Gummer Family Life

*throwback*

13 March, 1978. New York, United States
As soon as I walk through the glass door, this cold and unsettling feeling overcomes me. I came back only a few hours ago by plane. Robert's private jet which he offered me to use. First I said no but then I thought it might be more comfortable and convenient because I wanted to leave Germany as soon as shooting finished. And I needed to get some sleep so I said yes at the end. But I didn't get any sleep at all. So besides this odd feeling, I also struggle to stay awake. I landed 3 hours ago, went quickly to our apartment to get some things and then went to the hospital straightaway. And now, here I am. My, our, second home for months now. Because of that, I know what feels like every nurse here. So every time I go to his room, it takes me about 20 minutes longer because I do some smalltalk with most of them. I'm glad it's late and there are less people around so I can get up to him quicker and see him. I quickly get into the elevator and just hope no one I know joins me, I'm too tired to have any kind of conversation. And I'm lucky because no one did. The elevator *dings* and I get out of it on the seventh floor. As much as I hate being here, the view from here is still breathtaking. Before I know I'm in front of his room. Room 739. I'm so used to walk this way, I don't even really realize where I am going. I take a deep breath before I open the door and close it as quiet as possible. It's quiet, all you can hear is the machines beeping. I put my bag down, take the chair and place it next to his bed. He looks so much worse since I have last seen him. But he will get through this, he will get better. I take his hand into mine and just hold it. It feels heavy and cold. „Mary?" his voice is quiet and weak.
„Yes, I'm here. I'm back, John" I answer, or more like whisper
„Good" his voice even more quiet than before. He turns his head and falls back asleep. His scent is different, more... odorless. I'm tired too so I crawl into the small bed, kiss him on his forehead and fall asleep too.
My eyes are still closed when I wake up. What's this noise? I have never heard it before. It's annoying, I can't go back to sleep with that. Unwillingly I open my eyes to find out what the noise is. Then I realize where it's coming from. John's heart-lung-machine. His heart stopped. Immediately I run out the room „Nurse! I need a nurse right now!" Three nurses come running. They run past me into the room and to John. I freeze. What do I do? What CAN I do? Instead of doing anything, I just watch the nurses. I can't move, I can't speak, I can't hear and for a second I think I will fade. I don't know how long I stood there. Next thing I know, I hear a nurse saying: „Time of death; 3:48am" No. This is not real, it can't be. „No. You are wrong" somehow I got my voice back.
„I'm sorry Ms. Streep. He's gone" one of the nurses says to me, her hand on my shoulder
„No, he's not. You are wrong. STOP STANDING AROUND AND DO SOMETHING" tears are now streaming down my face
„I'm sorry, we did everything we could" says the third nurse
I push the nurse aside and run towards John's bed, kneeling next to his bed. „John, please. No! Don't do this to me. I can't live without you, please..." my voice breaks and I can't hold my tears back now. Everything around me disappears and I get lost in memories of the time we had together. When we first met, our first date, our first kiss, our first night together in his apartment. I'm confused, I don't know how to feel. All I know is I just lost the love of my life. I lost my life. Why didn't he fight? Why did he give up? My sadness turns into anger. He LEFT me. I get on my feet and start banging on his chest „You're not leaving me. You don't leave me alone. Come back!" I don't even know anymore if I cry because I'm sad or because I am angry. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder „Ms. Streep, please come away from him"
„NO!" I yell at the nurse.
Through my watery eyes I see John opening his eyes. I stop. „John, oh my g-„
„Mary, it's okay" he grabs my right hand and his eyes close again. „No. John? NO!" I fall on my knees, bawling my eyes out. I just lost him. Twice. Now he's gone forever.