League of Do Gooders, Ne'er do wells, and those of Evil Intent

Villainy 206: Disguise

               I had never had a friend before, and as a result, I was expecting my new friend Ivan to take the lead. It became very apparent that he did not know how to do this whole "friendship" thing either. We tried just making sustained eye contact for a while, but his weird purple slit eyes and my glowing green eyes made both of us uncomfortable. He pulled out a chess board, but he couldn't cheat to read my mind, I didn't know how to play, and with my grip strength I accidentally committed regicide on my king and queen, assassinated one of my bishops, and destroyed my castle. We do not speak of the atrocities performed on my pawns. Ivan stood up and started pacing back and forth.

"Last time I had a friend we went... ice fishing, we toured a cruise ship, and we went to visit a community college. So... Do you want to visit a college?" He asked.

"I didn't finish high school so I don't think that's an option." I replied. I was basically illiterate. Since I was invincible, I assumed I would get a job as a superhero right out of school, and I could sleep through everything but gym. That did not happen, and my reading experience was limited to "See Jane run" and other sentences of similar size.

Ivan sat down for a second. Whenever my new friend was thinking, he would scratch under his eyes, then his forehead.

"Let's ask the internet." He said, after several minutes of silence. "Hey phone!" He shouted to his cell phone, "What do friends do for fun?"

A list came up from some website with a long series of suggestions.

We stared at the list for a long time, before I finally chimed in.

"What does it say?" I asked.

"...Can you not read?" He responded.

"I thought you could." I stated.

"I was in school for three months, ten years ago, and our teacher didn't say anything. He projected thoughts into our brains. It didn't work on me." Ivan replied. "I thought you could read."

"I didn't think I would need to." I replied.

Silence filled the room again.

"Want to meet my mechanic friends?" I suggested.

"What do they do for fun?" Ivan asked.

"Eat okra, I think." I replied. "It's weird green stuff that you fry up."

"Honestly," Ivan said, "they sound kind of boring. I'm not sure I'd ever be friends with them."

"Fair." I replied.

We sat there in silence for a while longer.

"You know what I never did?" Ivan asked.

"What do you mean?" I responded.

"I was a normal human for three months. I hardly had any time to do anything on my "normal human list." Ivan reflected. "I've never even been to the largest coffee franchise in the world. Never once."

"I've just never had coffee." I replied. "I don't have a clue what coffee does to someone like me."

Ivan's smile came back, not just his mouth but his eyes. I came to the conclusion that this meant "terrified but excited" as he, through his jagged teeth, asked me a very scary question. "Want to see what happens?"

The primary issue with the two most powerful and terrifying forces on the planet sampling a new substance is that literally nobody knows what is going to happen. I wanted to look like a normal person, however, so I was immediately interested.

"Let's do it." I replied.

Ivan covered himself in black mist and came out as a balding guy in a beanie with a full beard. He wore thick rimmed glasses, a flannel shirt, tight pants, mismatched socks, and oddly formal shoes.