When I was a little kid, I watched a tv show where other little kids sat around in a circle and listened to a magical mascot read a book. I always wanted to try it, and upon gaining the authority to run the league of villains, I had everyone sit down in a circle and listen with rapt attention as Clement read us a magical book...
The OSHA guidelines, on the official website.
"Boxing", Clement began in a dull monotone, never looking up from a tablet, "has always been seen as a dangerous sport"-
"Excuse me." I interjected.
"Can I help you?" Clement asked.
"I always thought this situation would be more magical. You would do funny voices, and we would all sit and imagine." I replied.
"I cannot sit the way you want me to sit." Crash groaned. The rest of us were sitting criss cross as is proper in a reading circle, but apparently his legs didn't bend that far.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" Clement interjected.
"With passion, please." I replied.
Clement was an entertainer at heart. With the barebones existence of one web page, two characters (an unspeaking, nondescript boxer, and the narrator), he created something beautiful. I applauded at the end. Nobody else did, but nobody else was the leader of the league of villains, so that was something. Here's what we learned from the journey of our humble boxer:
1. Boxing gloves, shorts, mouth guards, groin guards, chest protectors (for women), and head guards are required.
2. The ground must be safe to fall upon.
3. Gendered locker rooms must be provided.
4. A medical professional must be on site at all times.
"So", Crash demanded. "How are you going to make this happen, oh great leader?"
I had thought this through. I was prepared.
"Step one, steal boxing apparel. Step two. Steal a massive trampoline. Step three. Steal gendered locker rooms. Step four. Steal a doctor. Isn't that what villains normally do?"
Hush appeared behind me. I kind of figured she was sitting next to me the whole time, but apparently not.
"Isn't the goal to try to reduce prison time for fighting heroes? It's going to be awfully hard if we stole everything to get here." She said, without a change in tone.
Irritatingly, she was right. In order to hold a legal fighting arena, you first have to acquire the goods for said arena legally.
"What if we get jobs?" I asked.
"Unfortunately, we all have criminal records. Crash and Hush are the only ones not currently wanted, and Hush is the only one who has actual work experience." Gecko contested. "Dr. Hyde is innocent too, but nobody hires a bear with bear intelligence."
"...What if Hush gets a job and we all wait?" I asked.
"I refuse." Hush replied.
She intimidated me in a unique sort of way. Hush's words had this quiet confidence behind them that made me feel like I should be working extra hard to impress her.
"Okay. What if we... ask the league of heroes nicely for a loan?"
Silence filled the room. I watched several jaws drop.
"I mean... wouldn't we need their consent anyways since we'll be fighting them? Might as well get them in on the project." I said. This didn't seem too bad to me. Father always told me that superheroes were generous to people in need, and I had no reason to doubt him.
"Do... you think you can just go to a professional superhero headquarters and ask for money? Do you think anyone can do that?" Gecko demanded.
"Has anyone tried?" I replied.
Again, silence.
"You're going alone. Nobody is going to follow you." Crash insisted.
"You want me to give an actual speech to people on my own?!?" I replied. I discovered another fear of mine in that very moment- stage fright. I felt safer in prison.
Silence filled the room a final time before Clement made his case.
"We can write you a speech."
And with that, Gecko went about refurbishing an old typewriter to the point where it could function, then the four of them individually created small speeches that they believed would help me in my persuasive journey.
"Pick your favorite." Clement demanded. "And remember that some of us speak multiple languages and have university degrees, and others do not." He handed me a stack of papers. I have never been an incredible judge of people, but even I could tell who wrote which.
From Hush:
"Villains decided
To throw away our scheming
If you can bribe us."
From Crash:
"Give us money for a fight pit or my friend Crash who I admire and see as kind of an older brother/boss figure will personally show up and beat all of you with his amazing harpoon and superpowers that I cannot help but be jealous of! He is truly the best of us all, and any woman would be foolish to not be romantically interested in him.
From Dr. Gecko:
To whom it may concern,
The League of Heroes spends an excess in preparatory training and funding for fights against the league of villains. This cuts pay and benefits necessary for heroes doing other rescue work. The villains would like to offer an alternative solution that would not significantly impact the typical hero schedule vis-à-vis hero-on villain staged fights in a neutral arena payed for by a mutually acceptable agreement. If you comply, please send a confirmatory message to the following frequency:
I couldn't read the rest.
From Clement:
The winds of change grace your humble abode as you gaze upon a new brighter future for all of us. Join the league of villains in welcoming in a grand new tradition for both parties that could build us all a better, more beautiful future.
I thought they were all pretty good. Instead of taking one, I took all four with me and left the base, papers in hand. The villains waved me away, and I waved back just in time for a truck to drive by and swipe all but a tiny corner of the papers out of my hand.
I think I got the gist of what they were trying to say.
YOU ARE READING
League of Do Gooders, Ne'er do wells, and those of Evil Intent
HumorThe sequel to the previous book, but starring all the ugly people from the original! Such an interesting twist! Join June Why as she learns the difference between doors and walls.
