League of Do Gooders, Ne'er do wells, and those of Evil Intent

Heroics 202: Regarding Secret Identities

I've always tried to lower costs in the mechanic shop. It's expensive running a business, and it's not like there isn't a healthy competition in the area. To keep prices low and customers regular, we've cut back on every other extravagance, with a singular exception. In the break room, across from the beat up couch that I found and refurbished, there is a near perfect condition flat screen tv. On the long, boring days, I still like to sit down and watch tv. For the most part nowadays, I watch sports. I was told people are supposed to like sports. I've picked favorite teams, I have memorabilia, I know all the rules and half the referees but the spark just isn't there yet, and it's driving me nuts. I should like sports. Normal guys like sports. All I can think about when I'm watching sports is the old, semi functional vhs tapes of Adam West's Batman that I had when I was a teenager, and it's ridiculous. That's what I was into when I was a little kid. Adults watch sports. I watch sports.

On one particular day, I was watching sports at work like any reasonable adult would love to. I play a game with myself to keep it interesting. I call it "sports roulette". I've set up a function on my remote to randomly choose between the various sports channels. Sometimes I'll use it three or four times in a minute, and try to piece together dialogue from the various sports commentators into one complete thought. This particular run through, I was going from sport to sport about every 5 seconds.

"Another beautiful day on the-" said a dry voice as a golf player slowly lined up to tee off.

"-stadium, where we honor" –said an announcer for a basketball game, as the players dutifully lined up and saluted a flag.

"-Flare and unless he gets here soon"- said my friend from high school as he held a bowling team hostage.

"WILD BERRY BLAST"- shouted an enthusiastic yogurt commercial.

Hold on. One of these things was not like the others. I quickly ran to the fridge to get a yogurt, then ran back to the tv. Situ was busy messing around with the 3d printer, and I waved at her to come in. She didn't respond. I fumbled around with the remote, trying to figure out what channel played bowling. Who even watches bowling on tv?

"Situ! In! Please! Help!" I said, trying to find what buttons actually performed normal functions after all my creative sports watching.

She walked in, obviously tired of my nonsense.

"Did you lose the remote again?" She asked.

"No it's just... bowling was weird and I can't find it! What channel has bowling?" I asked in a panic.

"Do you think this is the best possible version of yourself?" Situ responded.

"I DON'T KNOW BUT BOWLING IS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!" I yelled back.

Situ sighed, grabbed my remote, and worked the ancient remote sorcery that only she possessed to instantly transition the tv to the channel that had bowling... typically. What we had this time was a camera panning over a shot of a bunch of scared professional bowlers.

"Seriously, they had a camera crew on site and still nothing? Not even a text?" Came a voice from the background. "If anybody knows Flare, make sure he RSVPs for our glorious battle with this number. Did you remove the number? PUT THE NUMBER BACK ON!"

The camera shook a little as the cameraman squeaked out a "y-yes sir" and on the screen came a flashing rainbow of numbers.

"It's in the dark red and black color scheme that I wanted, right?" The voice said.

"M-my gosh I hope so!" Responded the cameraman.

"Just a little update for everyone at home... Pan the camera over to me. What are you doing pointing it at the hostages? What are they going to do, tap dance? Aim the camera where the action is taking place. That's like filmography 101."

The camera panned over to reveal a face I hadn't seen in ten years. It was definitely Ivan, but it wasn't the Ivan I went to school with. I'd only seen his real face for a few minutes before he disappeared, and even though I knew he was in the area, it was still jarring. His face was pure white, white tentacles writhed around chaotically as if looking for something to grasp on the part of his head that I used to think of as hair, and his mouth was full of rows and rows of teeth. His bright green eyes narrowed to slits, and his smile that used to look somewhat sarcastic looked like a wild animal ready to attack. Black veins ran down his arms, out his sleeves to his hands. The only new feature was his outfit. It was like he walked into a tailor and asked for the "Dick Dastardly". He wore a dark purple coat with a collar that extended halfway up his head. This was obviously what he thought a villain looked like, and since I knew what Ivan was capable of, it kind of worked.

"Anyways," Ivan continued, "This unfortunate semi-professional bowling team is now my new team... OF HOSTAGES! The only hero who can possibly save them is Flare. If you're out there, Flare, and you're watching bowling... oh boy. This is going to be a long day."

Situ grabbed my phone off the table and started texting.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"He said to RSVP." She replied. "And you're kind of slow at texting."

"Are you kidding?" I asked. "This is some weird stuff Ivan's going through and there's no way I can handle him. He's a space parasite designed to kill Galactic Mask."

"You killed Galactic Mask though. Doesn't that make you better?" Situ responded.

"No, I pulled the plug on Galactic Mask to save October. Let's not pretend like I won a fight or something, and besides, he was one of the good guys!"

"It's about time you got back into the game." Situ continued. "I know you went through this whole mechanic phase, but you were always supposed to be a hero anyways."

She'd been hinting at this for a long time, but something about the way she said it rubbed me the wrong way.

"Situ. You need to stop with the fantasies. I'm not a hero." I said calmly.

"You are though." Situ replied. "You stood up against guys way stronger than you and won."

"No, I stood up against guys way stronger than me and fled or froze!" I replied. "I'm nobody! I'm just a car mechanic."

"That's not the Flare I remember!" Situ replied. "What about the time we stood up against Ivan together to save October? Or the time you shoved your fingers up Dennis's nose because he was being mean? That's who you are!"

"Stop calling me Flare." I snapped.

"That's who you are!" Situ yelled back, eyes welling up.

"That's who I was." I replied. "I am a car mechanic, and any given superhero can deal with Ivan. They don't need me."

Situ seemed to struggle to find words, so I just walked away in silence to go work on a car or something. I didn't know. I just really needed to beat the crap out of something metal, and maybe there was a dent or something that I could pound back into place. As I walked away, I heard the front door of the business slam. Situ sometimes did this when I told her that I wanted to be called Lucas, it wasn't really a new move for her, but this one definitely had some force behind it. If it didn't, my banging a part of a car that didn't technically need fixing did. If I can fix dents, why not make a few and deal with them later?

My name is Lucas, and I am a normal guy. Normal guys fix cars, normal guys watch sports, and normal guys do not run off to stop massive crimes. I'm normal. I'm... normal.