Band aids ~TsukiHina~

~9~

~Tsukishima~

I'm still in shock that Hinata actually apologised to me yesterday. Why would he apologise for it? I already told him this but I'm glad he's telling the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all I ever wanted from him. It would've been nice if he'd always been truthful with me. Maybe things would've turned out different if... the incident  didn't happen. I'll never understand why he did that, you know. Like, why bother getting every friend you have to help you fake your death just to get someone to date you when you could just, I don't know, ask them out. I mean, I wouldn't have said yes but if he'd had made time to get to know me and we got closer as friends, I totally would've done. Plus, it's a lot better to be with someone you learned to love on your own without being guilt tripped into it.

Anyway, that's not what I'm thinking about right now. I'm too busy reminiscing on the good times yet again. I don't know why it happens but every time I see him I get thrown straight back into our first year of high school. Every time I see him in class, laughing with Kindaichi, I remember when that was us. God, it feels so long ago when, in reality, it's only been like three years. It might sound like a long time but, bearing in mind that we're 19 now, it's really not that long.

I've been hanging around with Lev a lot, under protest mind you, because I don't really have much else to do. He and Shibayama are pretty close because they're from the same high school so he usually tags along with us and with him comes his damn boyfriend. Kuguri Naoyasu. I'd never met him before college but he seems ok. I don't dislike him I just find him annoying when he and Shibayama join us. Again, they're both lovely people and they're genuinely quite fun to be around, and I don't think that way about many people, but the problem is that they're all over each other all the damn time. It's never very in your face. Like, they don't start full on making out or anything but it is still annoying. They're always cuddling or giving each other little kisses on the cheek or forehead or Shibayama's on Naoyasu's lap and-... Jesus Christ it's irritating.

Every time I look at them, so happy together, I can't help but think of me and Hinata. It's almost like I miss him but not entirely because I don't miss him... right? No, of course I don't miss him. He broke my damn heart and gave me even worse trust issues than I did before. But still, whenever I see them happy together I feel sort of empty inside. It's weird. I don't like it.

Still, I feel like I'm becoming attached to him all over again. Even though he's three years older now, he's still as adorable as ever and, even though we're not on good terms, I can't deny that. He still wears that hoodie I lent him. Before, I said that I wasn't going to ask for it back because it has liar germs on it... or something childish like that. I don't regret that decision. It suits him better than it ever suited me. But, again, it reminds me of that night at the park when I lent him that hoodie. Could it be that I do actually still like him?

I think over it for a couple of minutes and then realise. "Kei you idiot!" I bury my face in my pillow and sigh. Lev isn't here right now so it's ok, no one's here to hear me. "You caught feelings again you fucking dumbass!" This is bad, this is really bad! I only have two options now. Option one is to ignore my feelings and hope to god they go away, which is a long, complicated and emotionally draining process. Option two is to ask him out but that's not much better either because if he says no that'll absolutely kill me but if he says yes I'm risking him hurting me again. Fuck, what am I supposed to do?

I can't ask him again. I can't risk getting my heart broken like that all over again. It might hurt but it's for the best...