Ruined

Flawed loser! (II)

I grabbed my blanket, thinking continuously about all of it tightly assuming that it would ease my pain.

Obviously that's what you can do when you have nobody with you, I know some say you should be strong enough to hold yourself together and not be dependent on anybody. But we're human, and we're dependent, I guess that's the point of all of it, 'being there' for people whom you love and who love you.

But people like me don't have that, we just crave that. While the pretty, funny, strong girls get that. Anyone but me (doesn't always have to be a lover but yeaa)

A huge amount of bruises were there, I saw them when I cleared my vision by wiping off my tears. Why am I still crying?

Why does my heart aches more than my bruises and scars and the cuts I gave to myself? More than those the monster gave me?

I feel as if my heart has been stepped on and crunched on the floor. I can't brace this feeling.

I look in the mirror and my ugly reflection welcomes me. My reflection is the hardest to face. My big nose, my less than even 5 feet body and the list goes on. I avoid looking in the mirror.

'Those tormented tears, those screams
got heard by no one
breaks nobody's heart
those pleas, those fears
that scared look on her face
a comforting embrace
some loving words
a caring understanding smile
not your pity, perhaps your strength

inside she yearns to die
those cuts, those war marks she made from her best friend
the razor blade

she tells herself she doesn't need anybody
but she does
she knows it deep inside her heart
she makes me cry
each time I look at her in the mirror'
-Me

There isn't anybody who'd ensure me everyday that they love me, perhaps then I'll believe. Or maybe not even then. But who is fool enough?

Who can do something for somebody as unloved and unwanted as me??

I don't think anybody loves me or cares for me. I am used to of people judging me, people giving up on me but it never fails to make me cry, such that voice doesn't come out of my throat, nothing but those muffled hiccups.

Nothing changes after this! well nothing technically did just that it reminded me of my rejections a lot. The way my best friend chose other friends of hers over me. I don't blame her I just wanna be somebody's first choice.

'I am nobody's first

Nobody's first thought when they wake up
Nobody's first to tell good news too

Nobody's first love
Nobody's first hug in a crowd
Nobody's first desire to see

I am nobody's first

Nobody's first best friend
Nobody's first choice
Nobody's first call
Nobody's first shot
Nobody's first worry

I am not even the last

The below st friend
The below last love, unneeded love

It's nice to be wanted
But I still stray at the edge
Of every group and every clique

Because I am nobody's first
And for some reason, that hurts worst

I don't mind being second or more
I just want to be somebody's first'
-by S8htheatre