Ruined

Victory of lust (III)

Mommy I wanted to run so badly from his grip. I wanted somebody to come and save me, I wanted somebody to hold me and push him away.

I wanted somebody, I needed somebody, somebody stronger than him, but I guess that isn't a part of my fate. It is to cry alone every day, every night, with no one by my side, with no one to tell it to. With no shoulder to cry on.

I should get used to being alone.

Even if I try my level best I can't forget that scared feeling, the feeling of disgust. And even thinking about it now makes me scared. Frozen, unable to breath I was, unable to move, terrified, trembling uncontrollably, my hands got cold, and my mind numb, It felt as if someone knocked the breath out of me. tears were rolling down my cheeks and words impossible to come out. It made my hand unconsciously clench into a fist and my stomach icy...all messed up.

'The moment I felt his rotten hands on my skin

I wanted to scream and run
I felt so wrong
I felt dirty right after worth.

I hate him,
I hated his touch

he took what I left of me a while back and I'll forever remember that dreadful night

never in my life have I felt so dirty
So worthless.
My innocence was long gone.

I remember crying and screaming till my vocal chords gave up

I remember begging
I remember when he was done
he left me on that cold,
hard floor.'
-Me

*Present day
*Once again I was covered in sweat, choking, breathless. My hands clenched in fists and unable to make a sound I was even after trying several times.

The images started revolving around me, they were in a circle and I was in the middle.

Those filthy hands were coming towards me and that laughter filled the room. I was choking. my head was bursting with pressure. I could hear myself sobbing, could hear my muffled screams but was unable to scream out loud.

I was there standing his hand was on my mouth keeping me from shouting any further and he was taking advantage of the dark.

'That filthy laughter fills the room
I hear it everywhere
I feel you'll come from somewhere and will start running your hands over my body
I'll shout again
and again
and again
from disgust

then you'll laugh and I'll cry....
is this my punishment??
for merely playing a game??'
-Me

I wished to die, I wished for this repugnance to end. Tears were rolling down my cheeks but I couldn't wipe them. As helpless as a baby I felt.

I waited, waited for him to go, to leave me; I waited for the coldness of death to come and get me. End my worthless abused life. The images revolving around me started getting closer and then he jumped, jumped right on me.

I shouted at the top of my lungs. I finally was able to move, I finally was able to sit up.

I was trembling so hard, that I hugged myself wanting it all to end.

That was the moment I desperately wanted someone to sit with me ask me why I was shouting listen to it.

I so badly wanted someone to hug me till I stop trembling and catch my breath. But then I reminded myself who I was touched. Ugly. Unloved. I reminded myself that I don't have any right to think like that, reminded myself no one's mad enough to look at me.

I no longer wanted to I no longer wanted to stay in bed. Not knowing what else to do I grabbed my pen and writing pad, sat in the corner of the room and started writing what happened and how I felt in dim light

'Those hands were crawling over me

my legs

my waist

my shoulders

and I was shouting

these hounds never let me sleep and even after trying I fail to gather enough courage to slay then

these hands are getting stronger

with each passing night

so is the darkness

the disgust

I wish I had somebody

to tell it all to'
-Me

By the time I finished I realized half of the page was soaked with tears.

I knew I won't be able to sleep for the rest of the night..... huh! another night ruined.. I said to myself.*

This are how my nights are...full of nightmares. Hideous memories. Pain...

It left a stain on my soul, which won't ever go away...