Ruined

Anguished (II)

My pajamas were on bed....again, as usual.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight back, but my vision was blurred with tears. My head was pounding and I couldn't move. He ripped me apart. He had beaten me. He had won. He used me once again without any hesitation.

He continued to use me for how long I don't know. Could've been hours or milliseconds. I didn't know. I didn't exist any more.

'What is he doing to me??'
'Why do I feel this way?'
'Why do I feel so used?'

'No square jaw for you tiny now, no biceps now' I told myself.

'What have I done to deserve this?'
'ALLAH! WHERE ARE YOU NOW??'

MAA it hurts! it hurts its killing me, my small hands can't fight his grip. Please come home, please save me, please end it.

I kept on pleading.

I kept on thinking.

I kept on begging.

I stayed as still as a corpse for I knew the more I moved the more monster will hurt me.

I couldn't explain how badly it hurt. my body ached from the bruises and wounds he gave me. I shouldn't have fought back. there wasn't any point. I understand that now.

No one could've stopped it from coming. I felt dirty and violated. But there is nothing that I could do, nobody can erase what happened. And I fear that I won't ever be able to get out of those moment. I looked at him and I almost let out a whimper. I tried to hold my breath and kill myself but I couldn't. I was shaking.

I felt as if there was a lump in my throat.

I knew that now the marks of bruises on my body would be increasing just like they do every day.

My legs felt pressure over me, I couldn't move any of them from the weight upon them. I closed my eyes as though trying to wake myself up from a dreadful nightmare.

I opened my eyes and it wasn't one. Guess I knew it in the corner of my heart, it wasn't one, I have it everyday and nightmares don't leave bruises and marks on your body.

All I wanted for it was to get off me, but getting it off wasn't that easy, my nails were screeching on the floor. I felt monster's nail getting inside my flesh. My teeth chattered with fear.

Monster was spread over me, making me scream, making me miserable, he was pushing me in the ground just like hopelessness was.

I screamed till my voice was hoarse. I was wishing death upon myself.

And then it continued everyday, for a long time. Shredded into prices was my soul.

So vulnerable I was. With no one to tell it to.

Nobody to be with me. People at school thought ' how strong the deputy head girl is!', 'oh how much I wanna be strong like her'

oh! how much I wish you never be like me. How much I wish for them, all of them to be nothing like me!

And the marks on my body kept on increasing with each passing day. I'm human I needed somebody, I need somebody, but neither there was and nor there will be anybody.

(To be continued...)