Ruined

Flawed loser! (I)

I remembered my best friend in school always choosing other people over me. My favourite teacher saying that out of 5 people the girl sitting next to me is his favourite student. My dad calling my elder sister his favourite daughter after she misbehaved with him, and I cooked him a meal. I wanted to be called Daddy's favourite daughter, or at least smiled upon once for cooking a meal.  

He's gonna leave. I don't know but that's how it has always been.

He's really amazing though. For how long will he be with me, I don't know. I want him to, I wanted everybody to, but will he?

Am I the friend to him, am I that to that person what that person is to me?
Well the answer is 'NO' because I'm never anybody's first choice.

If anybody who knows me reads this they're going to laugh their pants off.
A f*cking pathetic loser saying all this. LOL.

I've never ever been anybody's favourite, never anybody's first priority.

I kind of expect that now. They're not the ones to be blamed. I'm the one who's defected, flawed from head to toe. I'm sorry that I was born!
I have never been that. I don't know. All I've ever received are rejections!

*Flashback
I felt sharp pains in my stomach at that time. It was so intense and it kept on coming and coming.

He enjoyed every second of it and I kept on crying, hoping that it would end soon. He kept on going without any signs of stopping anytime soon.

I tried to scream but couldn't. I had never felt so helpless.

I didn't even wanted to remember the term used for what was done to me. ABUSE and so much more. It left such a huge mark how will I function properly I don't know.

You can be strong, independent. But somebody bandaging your wounds.. there couldn't be anything better than it. Just loving you...

What happened to me should not happen to anybody. EVER.
It can cause a great deal of damage to the person. It can scare them for eternity.

It leaves scars on their soul, causes nightmares, causes the person to even commit suicide, like I did twice

I have become afraid of walking alone. It has made me want somebody to always walk by my side, but who would? I don't know if there's even anybody.

Why am I such a coward? I kept on wondering, thinking! questioning as I slid down to to the floor as the water hit me. I was in tears. The blood had gone away from my body. I was in so much pain, anger, depression started kicking in. Hot shower makes me feel better, why isn't it making me that now? why do I still feel empty?

I turned off the shower thinking, wrapped a towel around myself and grabbed my razor.

The moment razor met my wrist and legs, the pain was slowly disappearing from me focusing on the pain I was causing myself.

The blood wouldn't stop flowing out from the new scars.

I had cut too deep.

I remember that awful grin he had on his face when he took advantage of me, the grin of a creeper.

He and the monster changed my life forever, and from that moment I knew nothing would be the same.

*Flashback
My body was stiff as a rock, I was on concrete floor! it felt as if my bones were cracking!

How much animalism can one have?? Why do I need to fake a smile? Why should I?

Blade is going to be with me for a long long time because no person ever does!

It takes away pain of being abused for years and by two different people in two different ways. Razor takes away my pain. of being thrown away like a piece of shit.

But I don't wanna live anymore now, there's no chance for me, and I'm tired of committing suicide, and being caught, being saved.

*Flashback
They stuck a tube down my stomach to wash it when I attempted it at first. Lots of Al________ (don't want to write the name of the pills)

My whole bed got soaked with blood. And they did it all while I was awake, wide awake with tears rolling down my cheeks from pain I caused myself, the pain they caused me.

This was a living nightmare, I relive it everyday! I haven't gotten that person, I'm not ever even people's last choice let alone first. Nobody's choice I am.

Even if I love someone I won't say it because I haven't ever gotten anything I've ever wanted, prayed for. And when you don't get anything you've ever wanted you try not to to want things or people anymore.

I cut myself, I'll try cutting my wrist or popping 500 something pills. But if I survived I'll go to an all girls college. I can't risk loving anyone.

'I can't take anymore betrayals, if I get one more I don't think I'd be able to make friends again. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust people!'

'I can't take anymore rejections!'

TOUCHED. UGLY. BULLIED. ABUSED. HARASSED. TOUCHED. UNLOVED.

I kept on thinking and thinking wanting to cut more deep but somehow couldn't! 'Why?' I don't know.

(To be continued...)