Ruined

Fate?? (III)

*I couldn't stop shaking, it was so hard to hold myself still with all of this.

The images were crisp clear. Clearer than real life, why wouldn't it stop?

Why don't you leave me? I wondered and asked at the same time!

Why am I so f*cking ugly? so hideous? so disgusting?

why am I a mistake to the creator? why? was I born to be lonely?

My knees were becoming weaker, my whole body felt like jell-o. I tried getting up from my bed but collapsed on floor as a result.

I continuously prayed to God to kill me. why after praying every night not to wake up do you keep me alive? I kept complaining to God.

I couldn't get up from the floor 'No... please. Not right now...PLEASE!' I said the moment I realized I was having another panic attack.

It took me by surprise; it came upon me like I was in hell. I opened my mouth to shout, to call somebody but then reminded myself 'Forever alone like yourself should deal with their shit by themselves. Who cares enough?'

I wanted to call Mum but she has so much going on I didn't want to bother her. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't. No sound was coming from my mouth except those muffled hiccups as a result of sobbing.

The pain was beyond my control, my legs, my arms, my whole body was trembling uncontrollably. My stomach was icy and my heart was thundering like crazy.

I tightly closed my eyes and the water works won't stop. It felt as if the whole universe fell on me. I didn't even have the courage to wipe my tears off. All of my bones were burning. It felt as if someone was inserting needles in my whole body, one by one; slowly, gradually. I could feel something spinning inside my head.

I felt strength less now, as if I was thrown into blazing fire. I felt immobile, expiring slowly, powerless. Helplessness had taken over me. my breath was becoming rough and hard to come out. I was much feeble and as cold as marble.

Covered in deep sweat, deep inside my heart I prayed to die I was blacking out. It felt as if everything was going wrong all at once. beads of sweat and tears were rolling down. I felt wave after wave of fear and pain. I could hear my heart thudding so loudly that I thought it would come out at any instant. Pains and chills were shooting down my legs. I couldn't catch my breath.

The next day I stayed up all night, scared out of my wits of the deja vu.

The fear was driving me insane. Those nightmares were haunting me during the day as well.

I picked up my pen wanting to write but spent 10-15 minutes wandering in the maze of my mind.

Even thinking about that feeling was sending shivers down my spine.

At last I started writing but couldn't write anything but broken words

'pounding heart

lost control

dizzy and dying of chest pain

burning rods

needles

in my arms

legs

throughout my body

so helpless

powerless I was

out of the blue

you effected me

and now I'm left

in complete despair

pained and crushed..'*

This is what happens to me. I don't know what to do. Who'd bare that? Who'd want the broken??

Who wants a girl who has been touched?

will you touch me at the same place where you know somebody's hands have been before

why'd anybody love me

why'd they care

I'm a girl

I'm always responsible

I'm a victim but still I'm responsible

nobody cares about me crying all night long

staying up all night long

wanting somebody to be with me

to understand

to not judge me

to just sit with me

they have their own people

why'd anybody be with me

why'd anybody love the unloved?