Opening Act || Wesley Stromberg FanFiction

War & Minds

You can’t be angry at someone who is depressed or suicidal for not “appreciating” their life they live while others pass away unwillingly. You can’t look at someone who is depressed or suicidal and say “love the life you are blessed with”. Being depressed goes much further then just occasionally being “sad”.

Being depressed is when you want to cry and sob to unleash the pain but no tears come out. They just stay in and it forces you carry on. Being depressed is when your lips smile but your eyes don’t. Depression isn’t something you can “stop”. It can’t be stopped. It can’t be prevented. It’s your heart that takes over your mind and body. Not the other way around. Your mind doesn’t tell your heart to be sad for attention or just for the heck of it.

Depression is a daily battle that is fought except instead of two people fighting, it’s one person fighting themself. You can't look at someone who is depressed or suicidal and say “you don’t deserve to be living while other people are dying”. You don’t have to tell them they don’t deserve to live, because they think that to themselves everyday. 

I've been through this battle for years. I'm broken. I've lost so many parts and pieces it is impossible to put them all back together. And even if I found all the parts, eventually the tape and glue will fade away.

I haven't left my house in a week. I haven't played my TV in six days. I haven't turned on my phone in five days. I haven't spoken in four days. I haven't eaten more than a chip or two in three days. I haven't picked up my guitar in two days. I haven't written in my journal in one day. I haven't listened to music all day today.

My mind is the only thing that's still working. I haven't figured out how to turn that off yet. 

Why?

I want to know why this is happening to me? Of all people, why me? I have never, ever felt so alone. 

The sucky part is that I know I'm the one making myself lonely and sad and depressed. I know that for whatever reason there is a part of my mind that refuses to let in love and care. From anyone and anything. 

I don't know how to fix it. I'm out of ideas. This isn't like a broken handle where you can use a handy tool and *poof* its fixed. 

It's a person.

It's me.

It's all me.

I'm broken. I'm messed up. I've lost all my tools and pushed away every handyman that has come to help. 

I can't.

I won't.

I'm tired.

Of everything.

My mind is beginning to hurt and the spinning and dizzyness is coming back. The tears should be soon. Then sobs. Then soothing methods. Then restart. In about an hour, it will happen again. Then the next hour and the next.

Before I make it too far. I will lie down. I will sleep. It's the only thing I have found that will bring a quick stop to my pain. 

Who am I kidding?

There's not enough time in the day to supply me for the type of 'tired' I need.