✔️There Will Be Nothing

2^ I Want To Be Useful

I make my way to where Hank and Connor stand, talking. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for whatever comes next. Connor looks over at me as I approach. "Feel better?"
     I nod.
     He smiles in satisfaction. "Good. Let's go." I follow behind Connor, Hank, and Colin as he leads us to a squad car. I get in the backseat next to Colin. I'm hyper aware of his presence, and it makes me nervous. "We're heading over to the bad side of Detroit," Connor says dryly, turning in his seat to stare at me accusingly. "So, I'm sure you should feel right at home."
     I suddenly feel like I've been put on a big ass stage, and everyone's watching me struggle. His eyes pierce right into my soul.
     "At home?" Colin looks at me. "Are you engaging in illegal activities, Conrad?"
     "Yeah, what've you been doing, last night?" Connor asks suspiciously.
     I scowl at Connor, pissed that he brought up my fucking personal life. So, now I have to explain myself like the criminal that I totally am. "Look, I... I'm really stupid, ok? No, I'm not doing anything illegal. I've never done anything illegal, besides getting into fights all the time, but that's nothing new, Colin." I gesture to my bandaged cheek. "There are these people I hang out with. They're really bad influences. They smoke weed, they vape, they get drunk and gang bang each other, but I've never done any of that. They pretty much use me as target practice when they're bored," I laugh. "Other than that, I just sit and watch them."
"What?" Connor glares at me. "This is fucking news to me."
I shrink back against the seat, wishing I could melt into it. "Who do you think I fight, every night? It's always them."
"And you keep going back to them?"
"Yes."
"Why?!" Connor explodes.
"Because, even though they hurt me, they make me feel special! They make me feel a hell of a lot better than you do! They make me feel wanted!" I explode right back at him, leaning forward. That's... sort of a lie, sort of the truth. If I stopped showing up, they'll find me and kill me. I'm forced to go, so I've convinced myself that I like going.
"They make you feel wanted?! Who's the one that sits there all night with you, holding you while you cry because they beat the shit out of you?! Who's the one who always supports you, no matter what?! Who's the one that always dresses your wounds so they don't kill you?! Oh, yeah, that would be fucking me!!" he roars, raising his voice significantly. I'm almost certain that everyone in their cars around us can hear him.
"I-I know, but-!" I cut myself off, looking away. "I'm useful to them..."
"What...?" Connor's voice quiets down.
"I'm always in your shadow. I'm just 'Connor's little brother'. I want to make myself useful. I want to make a name for myself. And, I'm useful to them." I look up at him, suddenly feeling more tired than I have ever felt in my whole life.
"You're useful to us, Conrad. You're useful to the investigation."
I shake my head. "I don't think so." I sigh softly. "You don't have to worry about me going to them, anymore. I've known that I should stop going for a while, now, but last night was the last straw."
Connor softens. "I'm sorry for yelling, but, what did they do that was so bad, it pushed you over the edge? What could be worse than what they've been doing?"
I stare out the window, choosing to remain silent. Memories of that night flash in my head, teasing me, taunting me. Their rough hands as they grab my body, not caring, ready to tear me apart. The hungry looks in their eyes as they stare down their prey. The feeling of their hands sliding up my shirt and down my pants, touching me, using me. The looks on their faces... they wanted to take my innocence, my virginity. They wanted all of it. They didn't care about me, all they wanted was my untouched, virgin body, because they're disgusting, hungry-
I snap out of my thoughts as Colin shakes me roughly. "Ok, ok, I'm listening!" I snap, brushing him off.
"Conrad," Connor begins. I look at him. "What did they do..?"
My insides churn as all the memories resurface. I squeeze my eyes shut. "They were going to rape me," I whisper. "There. I said it! Now, leave me alone. I'm not going back. That was the last straw."
No one says anything. I can feel Colin's gaze burning into me. Connor turns back around to stare ahead. I wish I never came with them. Now, it's all awkward, and it's my fault. I hate everyone, but I hate myself the most.
Colin says something to me via Android chat. It's this stupid thing that we do where we communicate telepathically. It's not magic or anything; it's the wonders of technology and wireless communication. Allow me to comfort you. I know you're going through tough times, but I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on!
I stiffen as I feel his hand grip mine. I expect it to feel cold, but it's warm and smooth. I grip his hand needily, blushing as I stare out the window. Physical touch usually makes people feel better. Maybe, hopefully, it'll make you feel better, too.
I stay frozen before allowing myself to relax. His touch calms me down, and I slouch comfortably, feeling protected and safe for the first time in a long ass time. I allow myself a small, contented smile. I say one thing in return: Thank you.
His reply comes as a reassuring squeeze.
After a too-short drive, Hank pulls up and parks. "Let's get this over with." He gets out, followed by Connor, Colin, then me. This means that he has to let go of my hand. Immediately, I feel cold and regretful that my hand couldn't stay in his. The four of us approach a small, blue house. Like every house in the bad side of Detroit, it's rundown. Hank knocks on the door. No one answers. "Detroit Police, open up!"
While he's dealing with that, I let my eyes wander around. The trembling bushes catch my attention. I stare harder, and an Android falls from them. It looks like it's bleeding. Thirium drips onto the ground under it. It looks like a male, but looks are deceiving, and I don't want to assume anything. It looks around, then spots me. We make uncomfortable eye contact before its eyes widen in fear. Quickly, it turns and runs away. Well, it limps away. It looks like it fell from somewhere high.
"Coming?" Colin asks, halfway into the doorway.
My head snaps over to him, and I nod stiffly. "Yeah... coming." I follow him, glancing back one last time at the retreating Android. I should say something about it, but I won't. I understand the feeling of being stuck in a bad place and running away. He's probably just trying to run from whatever's hurting him. I shake my head, dismissing the Android.
In the main room, Connor and Hank are murmuring to each other about something. They look serious.
I decide to go see what Colin is doing, and I leave them be. "The door was unlocked," he tells me, instinctively knowing that I'm hovering behind him. "No one is here. There's a body over there," he points. "Maybe, there's something you can find?"
I look over at the body and retch. "Holy shit..." I frown, eyes widened. "That's grim..."
"Never seen a dead body before?" Colin asks curiously, coming up behind me.
I step away from him, still disconcerted by his presence. "Despite my past, no. I haven't."
He looks down at me curiously. "Have you had any training?"
I shake my head, slightly embarrassed. "Not a single bit. I didn't even know I'd be working here until this morning. Sorry if I'm a bit of a disappointment, but it's not my fault."
"I've had minimal training, and there's still a bit I need to learn. Maybe, I could teach you," he suggests, turning and walking away.
"Y-Yeah... maybe." I stare after him. For some reason, the thought of having one-on-one training with him sounds really appealing. I want that.
I look around the room, filing away that thought for later. Curiously, I spot a drop of Thirium on the floor. It looks... strange. Like, it dripped from something. I look up and see a vent. It's covered in Thirium. "Bingo," I whisper. "Colin?"
His head snaps around so fast, it looks like it'll fly off. "Yes, Conrad?" He stands and approaches me.
I swallow nervously. "Think you could lift me up?" I look up at the vent indicated.
He hums in consideration. "Yes. I could." Without warning, he wraps his arms around me. My defensive reflexes kick in, making me squirm and push him away. He looks hurt and confused as he lets me go. "I thought, you wanted me to lift you up?"
"I-I'm sorry... ever since last night, I've been super sensitive of every touch." I blush softly. I'm so fucking embarrassing. "The hand thing was nice, but tell me when you're just going to grab me like that, ok?"
He nods. "Ok. I understand. Want to try again?"
I nod. "Lift me up."
He squats down and picks me up by my legs, lifting me up to the vent. "Take your time getting that vent open, Conrad. You don't weigh much. I can hold this position for as long as you need," he informs me.
"Thanks, Colin." I fiddle with the vent grate. It looks hastily screwed in. In fact, there's only one screw holding it in place. I take the screw and pull it out with little effort, then throw the grate down on the ground. "Colin?"
"Yes?"
"I need you to lift me a little higher, so I can get in this vent. There's a blue blood trail in here. But, I need you to wait here so you can help me get out, ok?" I ask, looking down at him.
He smiles up at me. His face is slightly blue. "Of course. You can trust me." He holds me higher, and I slowly crawl inside of the vent. My slim frame lets me easily crawl around without much trouble. "Don't leave me in the dark, ok? Tell me if you need anything!" he yells up at me.
"Ok!" I reply, following the trail of Thirium. The vent isn't long at all. At the end of it, there's another grate. When I reach it, I push on it, and it gives way. I look down. It's a long fall from here.
The Android from earlier flashes in my mind. "So, this is where you came from," I whisper. I back up in the vent, backing all the way up to the opposite vent entrance. "Colin?!" I yell.
"I'm here, Conrad!"
"I'm going to back out! I need you to catch me!" My voice spikes in fear. Not being able to see where I'm going gives me a bad feeling.
"I promise, I'll catch you! You can trust me!"
I take a few deep breaths, putting my full trust in him and his ability to catch me. "Ok! I'm coming down!" I flip over so I'm facing upwards, then slowly shimmy my way down the vent opening. My legs hang over into nothing. I put my hands on the top of the vent, using them to slide my body down and down, until more than half of it is out of the vent. At this point, I start sliding, with no way to stop myself. I close my eyes to brace for impact, but I never hit the ground. As soon as Colin's arms wrap around me, I desperately cling to him. My arms and legs hug his body, pressing him close to me. I breathe heavily, struggling to calm my frazzled nerves. Slowly, he kneels on the ground before setting me down.
"I told you, I'd catch you, Conrad. You're ok," he murmurs reassuringly.
I let him go slowly, not wanting to release him. I take deep breaths to calm my nerves. My back starts stinging. "I-I think that thing scratched my back. It stings."
     He scoots around so he's behind me. I look back at him, frowning uncomfortably. "Is it ok if I take a look?"
     I nod slowly. "Just... ignore everything else you see."
     He quietly lifts the back of my shirt up. I shiver, feeling a sudden coldness on my synthskin. His finger moves across my back, probably tracing one of the scars that reside there. I fold my hands together, wring them out, then fold them together again nervously. "Well... I have good news. If it scratched you, it didn't break the skin, so you're ok. But... there are a lot of scars here." He crawls back around, so he's in front of me. His gaze radiates concern.
     "Let's just say that I don't tell Connor about every little cut I get." I stand up. "I know where the killer went. In fact, I saw him when we entered the house. That's why I was zoned out. I didn't say anything, because I thought he was just running from a bad situation. I was right, but not in the way I thought. I let him get away. I'm sorry," I mutter.
     He stands with me, picking up on the fact that I don't want to discuss my scars any further. "It's ok to misjudge people. He probably left a trail. Let's find him. Lead the way."
     His smile reassures me that I didn't mess up too bad, and I walk back into the room Hank and Connor were in. They're not there, anymore. "Where did they go?"
     "Oh, they got a call about an armed robbery a few blocks down. Since they were close, they went to check it out. They told me to finish the investigation with you," he explains.
     I lead him out of the house. "Wonderful." I point to the bushes. "I saw it come out of there." I run over to the bushes and push my way into the them, following the trail of blue blood. "There's the vent it came out of." I point upwards. "It was limping, so it must've fell out."
     "Look at you, Mr. I-Have-No-Training. You're already a wonderful detective," Colin teases, elbowing me playfully.
     I laugh with him, smiling widely at his praise. "Yeah. I guess, I was made to do this shit, so it makes sense." I shake my head. "We should chase it. The trail is still there."
     "I don't know... we should wait for Connor and Lieutenant Anderson," he suggests, pushing his way back through the bushes. With him leading the way, it's a lot easier to get through the foliage.
     "Please, Colin!" I beg. He looks back at me as we reach the sidewalk. "This is my chance to catch a criminal and make a name for myself!"
     "It's not about you; it's about putting the killer behind bars." Colin crosses his arms.
     "I know, but we'll be doing both at once! Please! What if he gets away?" I put my hands together, pleading. "Please! You know that I'll just go by myself, if you don't come with me!"
     He sighs frustratedly. "There's no stopping you, is there?"
     I shake my head.
     He deflates, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fine. Let's go."
     "Yes!" I punch the air. "This is going to be great!" We start walking.
     "If anything happens, you get behind me, and let me take care of it, understand?" he says sternly, sounding just like Connor.
     "What?! Why? What's the point of being a police officer if I have to be babied?" I frown defiantly.
     "Because, I'm two generations better than you. Look, I'm sorry if this offends, but my body is considerably more stronger than yours. Knives can barely pierce me, but they can kill you. Bullets are minor annoyances to me, while they're death to you. I'm faster, stronger, smarter, my reflexes are crazy fast, and-"
     He catches my fist before I hit him.
     "Impressive," he praises, smiling with amusement. "If I didn't have your shady personality down, that might've hit me."
     "I know, I'm shady, but you don't have to point it out," I grumble, flexing my fist. "I can take hits, thank you very much."
     "I know. I'm not discrediting your ability to take damage, Conrad. I'm just saying that I can take more damage than you can, and you're more useful alive." He winks.
     "Hmph..." I look away, arms crossed.
     "Look, I know you don't like being protected, but you'll appreciate it when I stop you from dying."
     I look up at him. "Why did you hold my hand earlier?" I ask nervously, staring down at the trail as we follow it. "Why do you care about trash like me?"
     He sighs. "First of all, you are not trash. Second of all, I'm programmed to be whatever I want to be, and I choose to be neutral. I treat everyone I meet like a friend. I automatically remain friendly to everyone, which means I care, to a certain degree. If that person does something... undesirable, something to hurt me or someone I like, they become an enemy. That means I'll be hostile, but not physical. I'd never hurt anyone unless it's in self defense," he explains. "On the other hand, if that person does nothing wrong to me, I hold them in high regards. In other words, I treat people the way they treat me." He looks down at me. "You've done nothing wrong to me. Granted, you're openly hostile, but you've been hostile to everyone. I can tell there's a softness in you. I see a good person in you. You don't think you're good, but I know you are. You don't want to be hostile; you're just afraid of being hurt, which leads you to push everyone away."
     "You-!" I raise my head and find it inches away from his. "F-Fuck you!" I back away, hurrying along the sidewalk. "I'm perfectly fine with being hurt, ok? I just hate everyone."
     "Those are all lies," he observes. "I could tell that you were distressed, and, since you're my friend, I obviously wanted to make you feel better. Affection makes people feel better." He takes my hand, again. I blush in embarrassment, but I let him hold it. "Like now. I want to make you feel better, and you're accepting my affection. You obviously want me to make you feel better."
     I hate how he can tell how I'm feeling, just like that. I hate how he's holding my hand. I hate how he cares about me, like this. Most of all, I hate how much I like his affection. He shouldn't be my friend. "I'll only hurt you. We might be friends, now, but I'll only hurt you. I'll only push you away."
     "Then do it."
     I look up at him, confused. "Wh-What...?"
     He nods down to where our hands are connected. "If you're only going to push me away, why not do it, now? Pull your hand away from me. Push me away, and I'll know where I stand in your heart. Push me away, and I won't try to get closer to you. I'll leave you alone. I'll do whatever you say."
     I stare up at him, freezing where I stand. I swallow hard. I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to push him away, but I know I will. "I... I can't," I choke out.
     "Why not?"
     "B-Because! I..." I look away, squeezing his hand. "I-I'm unstable! I get angry, and I push everyone away! I never mean it, but it just.. it just happens!" I cry out, tears pricking my eyes. "Please, Colin, I don't want to be alone! I just-I just always end up pushing people away, whether I'm trying to or not! It's-I'm horrible! I don't want to be alone!" I sob.
     He pulls me close, pressing me against his chest. "It's ok, Conrad. I'm here."
     "But, for how long?!" I pull away and look up at him, tears freely falling down my face. "Why do you think I spent all my time with people who couldn't care less about me?! Because, I've pushed everyone good out of my life!"
     He presses me against his chest, again, not saying anything as I cry. He makes circles on my back with his hand. It reminds me of Connor. The only person I've ever hugged like this is Connor. He's the only one I can't push away. I don't want to, but I've tried to. He always comes back. And, I love him for that, but I'd never admit it to his face. We stand like that for I don't know how long before I quiet down, calming myself.
"Do you feel better?" he asks softly.
     "Y-Yes..." I nod. "Thank you..."
     "Of course." He pulls back, and I look up at him. "We've only just met, yet I have high hopes for our friendship." He smiles warmly. "I'm your friend, Conrad. You can always come to me if you need someone. You don't need any of those guys, anymore. You have me, and I won't let you push me away."
     I nod, but something nags at me. Friends...? Just friends? I close my eyes and look down, resting my head against his chest. No. It's better like this. If he ever leaves, it'll be a lot easier to deal with if we're just friends. I don't fall in love.
     A sudden shout draws my attention. I pull away from him, suddenly aware that this whole thing went down in the middle of the sidewalk. I blush, knowing someone saw.
     But, it seems like no one saw, because no one yells at us. I look down at the trail. "L-Let's go. At this point, the Android is far gone." I don't believe that, though. It won't be able to get very far with that limp. I lead the way. I'm extremely aware of his presence behind me, even more aware than my own surroundings.
     The trail dips away into a familiar alleyway. I stop, trying to remember where I've seen it before. "Is something wrong?" Colin asks.
     I shake my head. "I recognize this alley, but I don't know where I remember it from." Regardless, I make my way down it, reassured by Colin behind me. The alley widens out, and I finally realize where I know it from, but it's too late.
     "Fancy seeing you here, Conrad."
     I twist around. "T-Tord!" My eyes widen in fear.
Tord.
God knows I have a history with Tord. He just happens to be the leader of that group of guys I hung with, before I decided against it.
     I look around to see familiar faces surrounding us. Colin and I back up against the wall. Their faces blur as I'm thrown back into my memories of them.
     "It's ok, Conrad, baby," Tord whispers, slipping his hands up my shirt. I squirm, trying my best to get away from him, but it's useless. Terry has a hold on me, and he's not letting go. Malcolm licks my neck, and I shiver in disgust. Tord leans down to kiss me, but I turn away, trying my best to avoid him. "Don't resist me!" he screams, cutting into my cheek with a screwdriver.
I scream out in pain, bucking wildly as I throw them off of me. In their drunken states, it's not hard to evade them. Wes, Tord's brother, grabs for me, and his nails dig into my back. Of course, this fucker sharpened his nails, and it stings as he scratches me. But, I get away. I run away, stumbling and tripping as I make my desperate way home.
     "You work with the cops, now, huh? You know what happens to people who betray us."
     Tord's voice snaps me out of my daze. They take out their guns and point at us. In that moment, I almost cry, because, I know, I'm fucked.