Lush Expiration | Harry Styles AU | BOOK 3 ✓

39 - A letter to Red

Dear Red,

Maybe this letter comes to you as a surprise, maybe you saw it coming like anything else in life. Like you always do.

I need to get something off my chest, but I can't do it in person because I'd burst into tears and, to be extremely candid, I have cried too many times - the headache that comes afterward isn't worth it anymore.

From a young age, I dreamt about moving to Los Angeles. However, I have come to the realization it isn't as glamorous and mesmerizing as I had wanted it to be. From time to time I ask myself why so many people are capable of staying in LA. Don't they see how cruel this city is? Because I do. I have seen the dark side too often, and it isn't pretty.

The despair I have endured over the last few months was getting more painful over time, so I decided I had enough. I couldn't stay in Los Angeles any longer therefore I had to get out. And I did.

Like you said months ago, Harry and I had to leave LA. As much as I tried to ignore your words, I knew it was the right decision in the long run. I even admitted this when we went house hunting.

While you're reading this, you must know I have arrived in New York safely. Someone picked me up from the airport and helped me find a place to live. I'm going to stay at someone's apartment for a couple of months – she's currently on a road trip through Europe. When she gets back, I'll figure out where to go next. For now, I have a spot to call home in this bustling city.

I hope you don't feel betrayed I didn't tell you sooner. I truly wanted to tell you about my departure, but I knew it was better to keep it all to myself. Strangely, I wanted to do this on my own instead of begging you for help - or anyone else for that matter. I had to prove myself I was strong enough to arrange everything on my own in order to leave LA quietly. Knowing I have succeeded to get out without anyone's help, feels good. Now I know I have what it takes to survive on my own if necessary.

Right now, you might wonder if I have told Harry. If I have told him before I stepped on a plane. The answer is; I haven't.

However, I do think he probably knows I am gone by now. He must've found the envelope on his kitchen table. Just like you, his letter is in there; covered in words that hopefully explain this situation enough.

You see, I couldn't tell Harry any of this in person. Somehow I couldn't tell him I was getting out of town days before his trial. It'd do no good. For that reason I left when he was on his way to court – ready to hear the verdict. Since he didn't want anyone in the courtroom except for Niall, Louis, and his lawyers, I knew this was my only shot to get out. No one could hold me back. So I packed my belongings and hid them underneath our bed; ready to be put in the trunk of a cab. It was the perfect moment to leave LA.

I am begging you, Red, don't assume I left him as he left me in Texas. This time it's different. I don't want to lose him. I want to build a life together with Harry. But the problem is, I can't do it in LA. That place will always be a hopeless reminder of all the hardship, tears, fights, and heart-wrenching days we have gone through. Harry and I need a fresh start. A clean slate. And that's why I have written down the address of the apartment on the back of his letter (on yours too). Once he is done reading, he can decide for himself if he wants to be with me or not.

To be honest, I am petrified. I don't know what is about to happen to me. Am I about to lose him completely? Or will he fly to New York? I'm afraid of the answer, but I will get it soon – I think. If he doesn't show up, I have to move on.

Besides Harry, there is something else I want you to know. With me being in New York and you in LA, please understand this isn't a goodbye. I wrote this letter to tell you why I left. It has nothing to do with you.

Because you, Red Winster, have been one of the greatest gifts of all time. From the moment we stood in line to audition for the Moulin Rouge, you've been a part of my life.

Thinking back, we were so young and oblivious of the world we were about to enter, but I don't regret any of it. Everything we have gone through has shaped us into the women we are today. And I want to see us grow up more and more. I just have to do all of it in a different city. But that doesn't mean I want to lose you nor your amazing friendship, Red. Without you, I am nothing.

Please call, write, or visit me when you're ready. But if you don't, I respect your decision.

I love you, Red. You will forever be my best friend.

Much love,

Vicky