The Shades of Spring

A Gazelle

Mother Nature was such a shameless lady.
Fascinated by her beauty though, Sidra watched on unashamedly the way she shed her fiery robes at sunset and dropped it in the horizon, donning her night gown studded richly with sparkles and crowned herself with a crescent moon partly hidden behind a flowing, silver veil. She ventured to imagine how excellent the view would have been if she was looking at it through the glass dome mounted at the summit of the library; the structure had always held a strange alluring, almost like an invitation to reach out and touch the jewels of the sky.
She had a faint recollection of seeing something similar, but the memory raced away when she tried to peer at it.

Sighing at how fast the sky changed hues during her momentary distraction, she shifted her focus back to the laptop screen on which the draft of her resignation letter was open. She debated again over the grammatical discrepancies, then settled with smaller words. The next question was if she was going to deliver it in person or via email.
Eversince she was given the green signal to travel again or go back to work, she had thought about it multiple times, in the end she concluded that she needed to make a decision once and for all because receiving a salary with no intention of working for it was rather hypocritic.

In order to muster the courage, she hung on the phone with Hafsa for plenty minutes over the past weekend. Their conversations always boiled down to the fact that Hafsa wasn't ready to go back. She just couldn't find it in her. That settled it for Sidra. She was tired of the what ifs and maybes, so she was going to find an answer. No friend's insecurity was going to stand between her and her mental peace.
_______________

When she took the marble steps so familiar yet so strange, a queer throbbing alerted her to the rapidity of the flow of blood through her veins. No doubt, they had a good deal of adrenaline in them.

Seeing the building was a little unreal to her. Super imposed on the image she saw in front of her was a smoky red glow that warned her of danger. Told her to turn back. But when she pushed it aside, a sort of tranquility befell her. The large doors, the round help desk, the spiralling staircase, the various plinths holding ceramic busts of historical figures and the posh balustrades reminded her of better days. Ambiguous in mind and dangerously close to passing out if she stopped moving, Sidra headed through a door, the placard of which read Office: Staff personnel only.

The new head librarian was a staff member who worked a few shifts with Sidra till last year. Grey streaked hair, cat eye glasses and a knee length pencil skirt paired with a frilly white blouse made Donna Clyde appear very distinguished. All that instantly melted when she saw Sidra and rushed to her with a squeal. For someone in her early fifties, Donna was quite fast.

"My God! Sidra! I missed you so much. How are you? What will you have? Sit, sit. No, don't answer. A creamy cappuccino with a chocolate donut? Yes. I remember." Donna rang up a peon and rattled her order before coming to sit beside Sidra who was laughing by now.

"Donna, Donna. Calm down. I'm not dying," she restrained Donna before she could shoot up to do something else. "Tell me, how have you been? I missed you too."
They were pleasantly engaged in conversation while the peon - also excited to see Sidra again - delivered her coffee and donuts, and vanished again. It was light hearted conversation which brought Sidra up to speed with goings on in the management.

After Peter, a lot had to be changed. The security was updated, new rules imposed, a uniform introduced to distinguish workers from patrons and so much more that sounded like a crazy busy half year. Lunch time sped by while Sidra gave her friend a brief summary of what she'd been up to.
Suddenly, Donna started to shake her head and laugh
"As usual, I forgot to ask why you are here. So, when are you coming back?" hesitantly she added, "Or aren't you?"

She pretended to give it thought, before slipping her hand into the pocket of her backpack and drawing out an envelope. Donna's face lost the smile when she understood what was coming. With a bright smile, Sidra put the envelope through the paper shredder and replied
"Next week. But I need a shift change."

When she left the building with Donna watching her cross the green, Sidra shoved her hand in her pocket to stop it from trembling.
_______________

Her family received her announcement with mixed remarks. Jameel instantly disliked the idea and didn't hesitate to tell her so. Amanah withheld comments. Hamza loudly declared he was going with Sidra even if he missed school.

Over kitchen chores, however, Amanah asked Sidra what prompted her to withdraw her idea of resigning.
"I don't want to run away any more, Ma. That's what I always did. Not this time. I'm sick of sitting around and mulling over what would have been."

"Hmm..so you say. But do you want to know my take on it?"
"No," she set down a spoon. "Of course, sweetheart. Why do you even ask?"
"Even if it hurts a little?"
"Sweetie, heartbreak is my warm up."
"May Allah give you a better brain first. You throw around words like it's okay." She settled comfortably on a chair before starting.

"You're right. You always did run away from your problems. No offense meant, but when you failed highschool and could have gone back and retaken the exams, you were too scared to set foot in the exam hall again. Then you stopped correspondence with most of your classmates simply because you didn't want to answer the what're you up to these days. Then you joined the library because you knew no one from your school would find you there. Then you jumped to Wisdom because you needed a better job. And then you dropped out of that too, because you weren't ready to face the other teachers after one of your judgements slightly misfired."
"Slightly?" Sidra asked, but Amanah ignored her and went on
"After that, you wanted to stop the degree because you were scared you won't be able to pay for it. In none of these situations did you stop and think how you can still sway the result in your favour. You escape situations Sidra. You don't handle them."

"That is exactly why I want to go back to the library, Mama. To get over with it."

"No. You know what else you do in addition to giving up often? You make really spontaneous decisions. Tell you know to tame your feelings all you like, but it's not true. You pretend, Sidra. When in reality, you let your subconscious fear of failing stop you from trying. Even now, going back to the library isn't only because you want to stop being afraid. It's also because you are afraid of changing what you're used to. Like, you are scared. But you think you need a job. So instead of trying something else, you jump back into what you're familiar with. This is because your fear of stagnation is still larger than your fear of memories."

Sidra listened raptly to her mother's deductions. There was a reason people say no one knows you like your mum.
"Okay....what should I do then?"

"Think. Think this through. And do what your gut tells you to do. Compare your options and pick the best one. Always remember, you owe it to your mental peace first. Everything else is secondary."
______________

She lost sleep that night to a train of thoughts that kept coming and coming through a tunnel somewhere.
Why am I doing this?
Can I do this?
Will I be okay?
How long before I jump ship again?

Not a single question came with a satisfactory answer. So she rolled out her prayer mat and sought help from above the heavens.