The Shades of Spring

Adjusting Her Sails

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, squinting to read the tiny print. This company really needed to hire a new website manager.
"What is this page for? Ants?" Sidra asked no one in particular.

The website listed the required criteria to be eligible to enroll with the course. Sidra scrolled to the bottom, mentally ticking off the boxes she possessed.
Footsteps alerted her to the approach of someone and she quickly switched tabs, drawing up a quiz page.

"Not sleepy?" Amanah asked from the door.
"Very much, I'm just trying to get this over with," Sidra pointed to the quiz sheet.
Amanah cocked her head and came to sit beside her daughter. "You look bad."

"What are you saying? How can your daughter of all daughters on earth not look good?"

"Very funny, Sidra. I appreciate the humour. But tell me what's keeping you late on a school night."

"I told you," she persisted, "There's a quiz sheet I need to print tomorrow for the Maths Competition. When it's done, I'll be sleeping like a log."

"Sidra, Sidra, Sidra... I birthed you and I know you better than you know yourself. Something is bothering you and as usual, you're keeping it to yourself."

Sidra trapped her mother's concerned features between her eyelashes. Amanah was the most beautiful woman Sidra ever met and she had aged beautifully over the years. Her short black hair was sparsely streaked golden, which highlighted the cute, small forehead. The crow's feet around her eyes were witness to the laughter and smiles she sprinkled on everyone. It was startling how much Thahani was starting to look like a de-aged Amanah. They shared the same almond eyes and beautiful nose, the same round face and same neat eyebrows. Sidra wondered how she could look so plain when both other ladies in her family were easily among the best looking. Maybe the beauty genes skipped her. Or maybe Thahani scraped it all into her DNA code even before Sidra came around.

"Sidra?"

"Work stress. That's what. Hammad is back in his shell, Blaise is making school hell for me, the teachers are speaking ill of me behind my back and I'm starting to think I made a mistake joining Wisdom." She rubbed her face tiredly, "On top of all this, Peter keeps passing me more desk work. It's a pity the management didn't really fire him."

Her feeble attempt at a joke didn't draw a smile from her mother. So she changed tactic.
"Good thing you're here, you know. I wanted to ask you something."

"Go on."

"Like, is there a way I can start studying again? There's this...private institute where they do a Science course. What say?"

"I'd love to let you, Sidra," her mother replied. "But then...will you be able to handle it all? Maybe you should quit one job?"

Oh Mama, if I didn't need the money I would have left Wisdom in the blink of an eye. She didn't say it aloud. Instead she said, "Just asking, Ma. I've been at the library for a long time. And school is reaching like nine months...So, maybe I am ready to take another step."

Amanah brushed her fingers through Sidra's tangled hair, "I wanted to ask you the same thing. But didn't want to push you after how things went the last time we forced your hand. Think and decide. Even if you quit both jobs, your parents will have your back."

They spoke about random things for a while till Jameel called his wife away. Sidra's smile went with her mother and her attention back to the laptop, where she began filling out a form.
If this works out, I'll tell them. False hope is bad.

__________

Stonewalls cropped in every route Sidra tried. Seven institutes had rejected her so far and four places left her hanging. Every email she composed, she promised herself she'd tell her mother when she was ready but backed away every. Single. Time.

Rejections piled into her email, mocking her hopes. One night, Sidra just broke down crying at Isha. She was alone in her room, retired to bed early on account of a headache; but instead of sleeping she spent the entire night crying for strength.

It was around this time that Ayaan proposed the carnival idea.
He had gone over it with Peter and the management and upon Peter's recommendation, broached the topic with Sidra and Hafsa. The girls accepted readily, Sidra for more reasons that one.

For a college project, Ayaan and a team were raising funds to donate ventilators to the Healing Hospital. In order to raise the funds, they had come up with four carnivals in four venues across Crest Falls. The city loved a carnival. Myrethorne was to host a book review and outlet stall, manned by six members of the Head Librarian's choosing.

Sidra didn't expressly tell Peter she wanted in, but gave him subtle hints until he believed picking her was his idea. Despite her packed schedule, Sidra cleared days from her calendar and bid her time.

For days leading up to the carnival, Ayaan was absent from the library. It surprised Sidra how loud his absence was. It showed how well he had integrated himself into the library circle, among staff and patrons alike. To some extent, Sidra envied him.
He effortlessly fit in, was popular and appeared comfortable in his own skin. There was no pretence about him.
As much as it hurt her to admit, she felt like she was nothing but fake. Pretending to fit in. Pretending to be nonchalant. Pretending to be strong.
The thoughts began to give her a headache, so she tuned them out and focused on the job.

Hafsa caught her eye and jerked a thumb at the far aisle. Sidra followed the directions till she saw Kevin perched on a ladder, waving her to come over.
She went up to assist him.

As the duo arranged the shelf between them, Musa walked by, carting a load of books to the upper floor. He passed Hafsa without a glance and she in turn ignored his existence. The cold war was still on. But it had lost the fun. Now it looked like unnecessary drama.
"Kev, maybe you should talk to Musa about it," she suggested.
For a second, Kevin looked like he was about to say something witty, but bit his words back. The reaction was all Sidra needed.

"What are you hiding?" she demanded.

"A chocolate in my vest and my phone in my breast pocket," he answered.

She ignored his stupid answer
"Is it what I am thinking?" she fished.

"No," he replied too quickly.

"Ah ha, what was I thinking?"

Kevin realised his own lameness, and tried to play it cool. "I don't know."

"Indulge me."

"Why?"

"Because you said you were not thinking what I was thinking, implying that you knew what I was thinking."

"Sidra, last I checked, harassment was a bad thing."

"It is. But don't change the subject. Tell me what you know that I don't know."

He was unusually stubborn. Normally, he'd spill the beans after the third demand, but today he displayed admirable resistance. At last, Sidra dumped the books on the floor and told him not to talk to her till he was ready to tell her the truth.