MERLIN- THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING (spn) [COMPLETED]

his soul is destroyed

Deans POV:
Adam? How the hell could i forget my own brother? He is in hell , he's in hell with Lucifer. I was in hell for only 4 months yet it felt like i was being tortured for eternity, there was nothing like it and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Sammy he was in the cage with Adam but we got him out, why did we get him out but not Adam- they are both my brothers. Adam was only a kid , he had so much of a life ahead of him , he had potential but of course he got ripped away into our mistake of a life.

That's what happens when you meet us , you die. We got Sam out of the cage pretty soon , but hell was he broken. I didn't think we would ever get him back , luckily we did. But Adam? If he's been in there all that time he's never coming back , he's a shell of the man he once was- perhaps Michael is the only one remaining in his body. In a way i hope it is like that, perhaps it be better - he'd no longer be suffering but in heaven , with his mom and dad.

I'm happy that Dad treated him better than me and Sammy , i'm happy that he didn't get dragged into this hunting shit with us. I'm happy he got to live his life just a little bit . However it does make me wonder , how many siblings did we actually have out there? It's no secret that Dad slept around , i mean he was worse than me (at least before i met Cas).

I try to take my thoughts away from that corner of my mind , it's dark there. I don't want to remember those we have lost and i don't want to remember my failures ; but to pay the respects to Adam , i have to . I don't think i can ever forgive myself for this , this is questionably worse than anything i have ever done before.

I don't know if Sammy is feeling the same guilt as me , perhaps it's worse considering he was in the cage too. Sam always takes stuff too far , he blames everything on himself ; he's a lot like me in that sense , but i drink to rid of my problems - he doesn't , he just sits in them. They pile up and he won't let anyone help , he won't let anyone in - not truly - so he suffers. If John were here he'd probably slap it out of him , but me ? I can't do that , i would never do that . Words are the only things i have , i won't let Cas go in his mind - it's an unfair exploitation of my power.

I watch Merlin from afar, not being able to bring myself near him. I can still see his hands clenched and his body shaking - in the past he's struggled to keep his magic in control when he's angry , i just hope this Mordred kid can help keep it in.

He's right , the words he spoke at us - he's right . I want to be angry with him and i want to scream that he's wrong but how can i when i know he isn't? I know that he'll come round soon but i don't want him to, he shouldn't forgive us that easily - not for this. I'm glad he has his friends , his family really.

Merlin's family . He waited for them , he tried to save them but he knew he could wait and let them rise - Avalon is a paradise after all. He didn't forget them , he still loves them . They love him , he's their baby brother. I wish my family were like this .

Me and Sammy are close , of course we were . After our childhood it's almost impossible not to be , of course we had our ups and downs and granted they lasted longer than necessary; but when it comes down to it we will do anything for each other. Yeah Dads dead , but at least he found his revenge, at least he's with Mom now.
I wish i had longer with my Mum , i know that it's her own fault for dying but that still doesn't mean she should've. I love Bobby , so incredibly much - i am the luckiest son on the planet to have a father figure like that 'Family don't end in blood but it don't start there either .' . If i ever lost him , which i know is inevitable, i don't know what i'd do.

I've got other family of course , family that isn't blood but is still family none of the less . Merlin and Leon for starters , their friends will join us soon . Charlie ,my lil sis . Garth , who is the best guy in the world . Jody, Donna , the kids. Crowley , how the king of hell ended up to be part of my family is beyond me . He really is something special. There are so many more , too many more.

I had all these people, i have all these people . All these people who love me , all these people i love . But who does Adam have ? He has no one . He should have someone, but it's too late now , he's gone - his soul is destroyed.

I sit down next to Cas' body , i don't like it . Seeing him look like this , so still , so lifeless- it feels like he's dead again , i don't want to lose him again. I know he's only sleeping but that doesn't stop the fear and the pain. I lay my head on his chest and wrap my arms around him , trying to soak in the comfort - i couldn't be around Sammy, not now. I still can't believe i went from thinking that angels weren't real and that if they were they were awful to falling in love with one.

I can feel myself struggling not to cry . But why do i not let myself? It doesn't make me any less of a man , it doesn't make me weak. So why hide it? Probably an automatic response to my childhood, couldn't let John see me cry , only let him see me cry if i wanted a beating . But he's gone so i can cry , and i let myself. It's tears of pity, guilt and hatrid towards myself.

Through the blur of my eyes i can see Sam , Gabriel- that bitch of an angel , fucking hate tuesdays now - is stood there with him . At least he's not alone , at least he has him . They're like me and Cas , i'm pleased - happy he's found love , content with the fact that if i go my brother won't be alone.

Not anymore. Not like Adam.