Blessed Are the Messy

author's note

Dear other hot mess,

I'm so glad you've found your way to this book. Here, I pray that the work of the Lord is being done, not by me, but through me.

Honestly, I have never picked up a journaling Bible. I don't know how to use watercolors or fancy pens. I read the Bible on my phone. I highlight verses in different colors, using a color code that makes sense only to me and God (and sometimes, not even me). I do have a Bible verse in my Instagram bio. I don't listen to Hillsong. I've never been to campus ministry, not once, but I sang in my church choir before quarantine, and now I tune into Facebook live church- usually in my pajamas, and usually after I've just woken up.

I have done a lot of messing up. I spend a lot of time doing things I shouldn't, and I know God would much rather me be praying or reading His Word while I'm napping, mindlessly watching YouTube, or playing Design Home. I used to write a devotion every single day, and got out of the habit every time I started. I've had doubts. I've questioned God. I've fallen asleep while praying or listening to the Bible. I've spent time being confused about what God wants from me. I feel like I'm constantly wrestling with confusion and complacency. 

But wow, do I love God.

Even though I don't always act like it. Even though I don't always feel like I'm worthy to love God. I love that not a single one of us is worthy of His love and He gives it anyway. I love that His ways are not our ways.

I follow an enormous amount of Christian Instagram account, mostly run by girls. I even ran one of my own for a while, and it honestly seemed super unsuccessful. I don't know how to hand letter or curate cute posts, but I also don't think it's about that at all. Yet somehow, I feel like I'm so, so inferior to those girls. How am I not nearly as on fire for God as they are? How can I become more like that? Why am I not like that already? I (wrongly) feel threatened and judged by them, which makes me feel resentful, which fills me with guilt.

But friends, Instagram is never real life. We are all struggling, we are all sinners, and most importantly, we are all loved the same by God.  

I am completely, proudly, messy. Usually messy is seen as a bad thing, but I want to challenge that idea. If I were good at this life thing all on my own, I wouldn't think I needed God. But since I am messy, I will always need Him to clean up. I would never make it if I tried to venture out on my own. So my words are messy. I only have a little bit to give, but God has so much to add to it. And here, His power will be made perfect in my, your, our weakness.

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9