The Letter

Chapter 21: The Morning After

I woke up without entirely remembering what was going on. I looked around and tried to remember where I was. Then I looked down and saw Marshall's arm over my bare torso. Everything came back in flashes that made me blush. I needed to get myself out of his grip. But how do to that without waking him? I attempted to push him off to no avail. I realized I may not have been putting forth all my effort, but also that I was weak.

Marshall stirred, and moved his arm enough for me to get free. I turned and slid out of the bed, checking back to make sure he was left undisturbed. Then I began looking for my clothes. After a couple of minutes of wandering around the room, I found them by the door. I decided to go into the bathroom and put them on where I wouldn't interrupt his sleeping.

I stood in the bathroom and looked myself over in the mirror. I was pale, and I already looked like I was loosing weight. It didn't seem like it had been long enough for this to be the case. It had only a few days, but then I remembered Dr. Wolff saying this cancer was quite aggressive. I found a few bruises on my body too. Not from Marshall being rough, but just from me being fragile. I began to feel disgusted with the reflection I saw in this mirror and decided this self examination was a bad idea. So I turned away from the mirror and started putting my clothes on. I was almost finished when I heard a knock on the door. 

"Abby?" I heard Marshall say as he approached the door. Thankfully I had locked it. 

"Yes, Marshall?"

"What are you doing? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm getting dressed." I finished putting my shirt on and I opened the door to see him standing directly in front of it. I still had some feelings to sort through about having sex with Marshall. I didn't think I was ready for our relationship to reach that level. Especially since I knew I was terminal. Our relationship up to now was pretty innocent and I didn't know what he was going to expect from me now. 

"There you are," he said. His eyes were still big and a deep blue color. I could tell he was still reeling rom my confession last night. 

"Here I am," I replied. I gave him my best smile and waited to see what was going to happen. He moved over to the side to let me out of the bathroom. "Marshall, I need to get going," I said after a minute. He was just standing there looking at me and I wasn't sure what he was thinking or doing.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he finally said. "Are we going to talk about what happened last night or what?"

"Do we have to?" I asked. "I just don't know what I think about it. Or what I want to happen now." 

"Who said something has to happen?  Abby, I l-"

"Stop, Marshall, please," I interrupted. I knew what was coming out of his mouth next and as much as I would have loved for this to happen a few months ago I definitely didn't want it now.

"Abby, please don't push me away now. I don't know if cant take that."

"Marshall, do you even remember why I was here last night? It wasn't just because you wanted to see me. I don't want to keep bringing it up Marshall, but I'm dying and this isn't the right time to decide to fall in love with me. If you couldn't take me telling you i was dying how are you actually going ot handle it when I do die?"

"I can't control how I feel, Abby. And I'm sorry I cant be emotionally closed off like you are." I started to head out of the bedroom and down the hallway. 

"I get that, Marshall. But we have only been seeing each other for a few months. I don't think you really are in love with me."

"You don't know how I feel, Abby. You keep trying to push what you want me to feel hoping it will change my mind."

"Marshall that's not true," I said.

"It is so! We cant all be emotionally closed off like you are."

"I'm only closed off for your own good, and mine. I don't want to get hurt just as bad as you don't," I said. 

"So what does this all mean?" he asked. I wasn't entirely sure. I knew I wasn't trying to fall in love. There was no point.

"Nothing," I replied. I turned around to continue my exit from Marshall's home. "Everything can stay exactly the way it is." I got to the front door and he came up behind me and hugged me. I stood there for a few minutes longer than I probably should have, but I enjoyed having him on me.

"I wont apologize for how I feel, Abby," he whispered. 

"Fine," I replied. I removed myself from his grip and I headed out of his home unsure of when exactly I would see him again. I hated to be so cold towards him. I also hated to admit, even if just to myself, that I was in love with him too. But fate had other ideas about how we were going to end up. My plan was to avoid him as much as I could. I  still wanted to talk to him, so he wouldn't suspect anything. But I didn't know how much time I had left and I wanted to make things as painless as I could for him. Marshall was obviously more emotionally fragile than I thought. As I drove away, I tried to remind myself I was only doing this for our own good.