The Letter

Chapter 20: A Close Call

I drove home from Abby's in tears. I couldn't believe what was happening. She was really dying. And her promise the other night about fighting was complete bullshit. I kept thinking about what I said to her about everyone I care about leaving me. It didn't make me feel any better, in fact it made me feel worse, but it was the truth. I thought about Proof, Kim, and my father too. I'm sure I cared about him when I was younger. They're all gone now. I mean, Kim was still around but she didn't love me anymore, she told me so.

I got home and went inside. I looked at the couch that Abby was just sitting on a couple days ago and I started crying again. My phone rang, and I threw it across the room without answering it. I hated that fucking thing. What I wanted was to get high. I didn't want to think about any of this anymore. And I had no idea how the fuck I was going to say goodbye to another person who I cared about as much as I did for her.

I started pacing. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I need to do something, but I couldn't think of what. I saw Abby's face in my head. The look on her face when she told me she wasn't fighting the cancer. It made me mad and I threw the stupid little nick knack that was on the mantle. Whatever it was, it was glass because I heard it shatter against the wall. I was already gone out of the room and heard it behind me. I went into my bedroom hoping to find a hidden stash of something, anything. At this point I didn't give a fuck about being clean. I just didn't want to feel anymore. I looked in every spot I remembered ever hiding anything. But all my usual spots were empty. Then I remembered Denaun coming in and helping Kim clean all of them out the last time I went to rehab.

I went into the bathroom to check too. I remembered there were a few places in there that some people probably never knew about. But as I reached for the drawer that hid one of my spots, I saw a razor on the counter. It was mine, of course, there was no one else it could belong to. I took the head of it apart and one of the blades fell on to the counter top. I had never been the type to cut myself, but I needed to do something to distract myself. I didn't want to think about Abby or anyone else. I picked it up and was looking at the shiny metal, turning it over again and again in my hand. I picked it up and started bringing it to my arm when I felt something behind me. 

"Marshall?!" I heard. I jumped, and turned around to see Kim standing there in the bathroom door way. I was embarrassed that she was seeing me this way, but also pissed she just walked all the way in my house.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" I asked. 

"I was supposed to be bringing the girls over today remember? I've been looking for you because when I came by earlier you weren't home."

"Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I got a phone call and had to head off somewhere after work. Don't you know how to call?"

"Of course, and I did. You didn't answer and I got kind of worried about you. What are you doing?"

I couldn't hold my emotions in anymore. I just burst into tears again. Kim looked shocked because I don't think she was expecting that from me. We sat down on my bed and I told her everything that had happened.

"Oh, Marshall," she whispered to me. I felt so stupid, but also helpless. There was nothing I could do to make this situation better. She put her hand on my shoulder to try and comfort me. "There is a reason why they tell you not to date in the first year of sobriety." I knew she was right. I was in over my head now though. I knew I would eventually have to go back and face Abby. I didn't want her to go through anything from here on out without knowing I was in her corner. Even if she wasn't doing what I wanted her to do.

"You need to call you sponsor, alright?" Kim said, bringing me back into the moment. I sat up and tried to get a grip on myself. "Maybe call someone to come over. I don't think you should be alone. And I hope everything works out with you and Abby. I don't like to see you so depressed."

I reassured Kim I would be okay to the best of my abilities. After she finally left and I w atched her drive off the property, I called someone who probably wasn't expecting to hear form me right now. But the only person I could think of that would make me feel better.

"Hello?" Abby answered after a few rings. I wasn't sure she would even answer. But I was so glad she did.

"I need you, Abby." I said. She was quiet for a minute and I thought maybe she was going to turn me down. 

"What's going on, Marshall? Are you okay?" 

"No, I'm not. You're dying, Abby. I can't bare the thought of losing another person in my life. It's too much."

"Marshall you haven't, um, taken anything have you?"

"No. But I would have if I could have found something. Please, Abby, can you just come over here please?" I begged.

"You're not mad at me?" she asked. Her voice was soft and it made her seem small and fragile.

"No. Right now, I just need you." She agreed thankfully and was over in record time. I went to the door when she finally knocked on it and seeing her made me sad all over again. I somehow managed to keep my emotions in check as we went over to the couch and sat down together.

"Are you okay?" she asked as we went into the living room. We sat down on the couch and I just laid my head on her shoulder. She took my hand and asked me again, "Marshall? Are you okay?" I sat up and looked at her.

"I almost cut myself." I looked away when I said it because I knew it was going to hurt her. 

"On purpose?" she asked. I just nodded.

"Marshall, oh my god. Did you?" she grabbed my hand examining my arm and wrist, then checking the other one.

"No, Kim walked in. I forgot I was supposed to have the girls today. I got busy with work and-" I felt myself wanting to cry again. "I just didn't want to think about this anymore. I didn't want it to hurt. I don't know, maybe it was stupid. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do now Abby. I really don't-"  I was babbling. She leaned over and kissed me. I wasn't expecting it, but I instantly stopped thinking about everything else. This was what I wanted and it was clear in that moment that I was in love with Abby.

"What are you doing?" I whispered to her after we pulled apart.

"I'm kissing you. Did you forget what this was already?" She smiled and I couldn't help but do the same. She went back in for another one and after that one I was really starting to feel better.

"You know," she began. "There's no one here, we could, ya know?" I couldn't believe she was suggesting sex now. It didn't seem like the right time.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Is this really the way you want to do this?"

"Marshall, I'm not a virgin!" she said, giggling. It made me feel stupid for even thinking that.

"Well, okay, but I mean what about you? Are you even able to?" 

She climbed across the couch to kiss me again. "I'm dying, remember? Who cares."

"Abby!" I shouted. I pushed her off of me and stood up, but her expression didn't change.

"Marshall, I need you to lose the sensitivity to that notion. It's going to happen. I don't want to have to walk on eggshells around you when it comes to this." 

I sat back down next to her. "I'll try," I said. Then she kissed me again. As she took off her shirt, I tried to put the sadness out of my head. I loved her, I needed to tell her. But I figured I would wait and do that in the morning.