The Letter

Chapter 8: The Aftermath

...Leaving you was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know I broke your heart and I'm sorry...

That was the longest drive home of my whole life. I can't believe I had to do that. I actually had to pull over and just cry. I felt like such a horrible person. 

The look in that man's eyes was not one I thought was capable of any man. I wanted to tell him everything. But I knew that telling him would just draw him into me and since I didn't know what was going to happen after my surgery I made the decision for both of us.

I got home and tried my best to conceal the fact that I had been crying. My face was red and my eyes were a little puffy. I didn't want to cause my mom to be concerned because se would get defensive and I didn't need her getting involved and making things worse. I told her I would be back way later than this so my hope was she would be doing something else and not paying attention to me coming in the door. 

I drew in a deep composing breath and looked myself over in the rearview mirror once more. "Abby worse things have happened to you. Man up." I said, although it didn't help. Marshall was just recovering from a drug addiction, he didn't need me coming in and fucking his life up.

I crept open the door slowly so it wouldn't groan like it always does and looked around. I didn't see mom in the living room or the kitchen so I thought I would sneek in with no problmes. I went inside and began walking quickly to my bedroom when exiting the bathroom I bumped into mom.

"Abby, honey you're home early." she said. I nodded and tried to walk around her.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" she asked, stopping me from avoiding her. I shook my head.

"Sure?" she asked again. 

"Yes mom." I managed to say. I quickly went into my room and shut the door. The tears began again. I just kept seeing his face and hearing his voice. He seemed so desperate for answers. I wished I never would have bumped into him that day at the doctor's office. I should have just vomited and kept it moving.

Mom knocked on the door. Damnit, she must have heard me. I tried to dry it up real quick before saying "come in."

Mom sat on the edge of my bed like she usually does. She offered me a smile and asked me yet again what was wrong. So I took the opportunity to tell her everything. How I had to break up with him and crush him, about the look on his face when I left, but also how I felt he was getting too attached too quickly and I didn't want to hurt him more later if I happened to die.

"Well honey, I know I cant convince you that you did the wrong thing. And I definitely can't convince you that you deserve love with someone who sees your worth. I know you have your reasons for feeling the way you do and for not getting too attached to anyone. But death is a sad thing. People are going to be sad when you die whether you know them for 2 weeks or 2 years. You can't stop that." She got  up and began to walk away.  Ash she reached for the door she turned around and said "I knew you liked him though, more than friends." I thanked her for talking to me. It did make me feel a little better. 

She walked out of the room and I considered everything she had said. It's true that I knew people were going to be sad regardless of how long I knew them. But honestly this became less about protecting Marshall's feelings and more about me feeling normal when I was with him. Just then I got a text message. Marshall had been texting me and I had been ignoring them. But this one was long.

"Okay Abby. I get it. You're done with me. I still don't understand what I did to make you just leave so suddenly. You didn't seem like you even wanted to. But okay, I won't bother you anymore. Thanks for nothing."

I just started crying again. I didn't want this. I was afraid in the little bit of time I had spent with him I had become attached to him too. This was my first heartbreak. And I did it to myself.

***********

Marshall's POV

After Abby left I was a mess. I am ashamed to say that as a man, but I was. She really fucking hurt me. I don't know why either. I hardly knew her. All I knew about her was she was she lived with her mom and went to school. Hell, she never even told me what for. She always kept me at arms length when I really thought about it. Like she never had any intentions to stay. Reminds me why I dont date. 

I stood in front of the mirror in my closet. I hated myself. Everything I had put myself through was stupid and reckless. I broke up the family I had and am still repairing the relationship with all of my daughters. I came out of the closet and closed the door. I didn't need to look at myself anymore. I was done with that. I started thinking about my career and all the stress it had put me under all those years. Maybe I didn't need to make another album. Everyone already thought I was retiring. What if I just didn't come back? Right now I didn't want to do anything but sit here alone. Then my phone rang. It was Denaun.

"Aye man, we still going to the studio tomorrow? I got a sick ass beat to play-"

"No." I said, cutting him off. 

"No? You aiight man? You sound down." Denaun and I had been freinds forever by this point, he knew when I was good and when I wasn't.

"No." I said. I sat there and waited for him to overreact. He probably instantly thoght the worst, which I guess I don't blame him for.

"What's up man? What happened?"

"Her." I said."But I don't really want to talk about it, okay?"

The line went quiet for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Well, we have to go to the studio man. It'll make you feel better to get all that out. Hell, make another song like Kim if you wanna."

"I just don't want to." I said. My voice flat and cold. "I'm done man. My music dont have the same effect on people that it used to. I think I just lost it. And I always said when I lost it I would quit."

"Dont have the same effect?" Denaun repeated. "Who told you that? You obviously just played it for the wrong person man, c'mon."

"No. You don't fucking get it man. She just left. She just fucking left. Like everyone else has ever done. She's just gone. I wrote her that verse, I opened up to her and it, it didn't mean shit. Not a single fucking thing I-" I couldn't talk anymore. I was back to crying like a bitch.

"Okay, woah. Calm down man. It'll be okay. Look, I'm coming over. Just hang tight."

It was the quickest I have ever seen Denaun get to my house. He came in and I was still on the couch in the same spot I was talking to him. I couldn't move.

"You okay now man?" he asked. I shrugged.

"You wanna talk about it? Is it this Abby girl you were grinning over the other day?"

I nodded and told Denaun the whole story about how we met and had been talking. I told him about our date and how I tried to kiss her but she didn't want to. 

"I hate to say this about her when you're so upset Marsh, but it sounds to me like she just wanted your money. Maybe she figures since you havent been out in a while you're broke."

I agreed with him on the outside, but inside I didn't believe it. There was something much more serious going on, I just didn't know what.

"You can't let this stop you from doing the album man. You have real fans who are awaiting your return. This is still what you love. And if you hate how you look that much lets get a trainer in here and help you not hate yourself anymore. I think the world needs you." I nodded and regained my composure. Maybe he was right, I was porbably just being overdramatic.

After he asked me 500 fucking times if I was okay, Denaun finally felt okay enough to leave. We made some phone calls and I got a trainer coming over tomorrow. I am not going back out into the public looking like this. I'm gonna also make sure Abby sees me and regrets breaking up with me.