The Letter

Chapter 6: Doctor's Visit

"Making you question yourself and feel bad about yourself was never something I wanted Marshall..."

I just got off the phone with Marshall. I was so happy to hear he was in the studio again and it seemed to really be going well. Last night before I went to sleep we discussed it and he told me how nervous he was. So needless to say I was relieved to hear him so happy.

I hated hanging up in such a hurry like that but mom was reminding me of my doctor's appointment today. I have been on chemo for about 6 months now and the doctor just did a scan to see if the tumor is small enough to remove yet. He's calling us in, so I'm assuming that means it is. 

I told mom me and Marshall were just friends. So telling him I'm having a surgery would mean he would want to be there and I don't think I'm ready to tell mom I'm dating him. I'm not sure I would even consider it dating, it was one date. But I know he may feel slightly different. I'm still not ready to involve him. 

I got out of my bed and picked out some clothes. Mom stuck her head back in. "Abby are you almost ready? We're going to be late."

"Yes mom." I replied. I slid on my clothes, some shoes and followed her out of my room and out of the house.

"So, who was on the phone?" she asked once we got going down the road.

"Marshall." I replied, trying to conceal any emotion other than friendship.

"Oh. Isn't he the one you met at the doctor?" I nodded.

"Does he know you're sick?" I shook my head.

"Abby, I-"

"Mom, please." I said, already knowing what she was going to say, which would probably include something along the lines of accusing me of stringing him along. 

"I'm sorry Abby. I know you're an adult. I'm just trying to look out for you."

"Yes, I know. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't think he wants a girlfriend either. We're just friends."

We pretty much drove the rest of the way in silence. When we got to the doctor's office my mom turned off the car and just sat there. I grabbed for the door handle, but when I saw she wasn't moving I stopped. I realized I was forgetting something we had been doing for a long time.

Ever since my parents separated, when mom would take me to my appointments we would sit in the car and discuss what the best and worst case scenarios were. We figured if we put both the best and worst things that could happen out in the open then when we got the news it wouldn't be so shocking. Whether it was bad, good, or just in the middle. 

"Sorry I forgot." I said, turning to get back in my seat.

"Okay. Best news we could get today?" mom asked, looking at me.

"Well, I guess that the tumor is small enough to remove." I said. Mom smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Right. And the worst?" 

"Probably another 6 months of chemo. I don't know if I could do that." Chemo truly was the worst. I was usually wiped out for a couple days after. Mom had to help me with a lot of stuff like bringing me food and sometimes even helping me to the bathroom or shower. not to mention the dizziness and puking. She never complained though, which made her the best.

"Okay." she said, taking in a deep breath. "Well, let's hope that doesn't happen. Ready?" she asked looking at me.

"As ready as I'm ever gonna be."

We got out of the car and went into the doctor's office. My Oncologist, Dr. Wolff was a great doctor. Everyone who works for him also seems to know me and my mom pretty well. There were always lots of smiling faces and 'how are you's. 

After what seemed like an eternity in the waiting room we went back into an exam room and Dr. Wolff came in. 

"Abby. Mom. How's everything?" he asked. He shook both of our hands. He was a very laid back doctor, but was always straight to the point. 

"Pretty good, considering." I said. Mom stayed pretty quiet in these appointments unless she was asking a medical question.

"Alright Abby, I got your scans and I have great news. It looks like it's small enough for my colleague to try to remove it. Now, there are some risks and things we should discuss. I will also have to start you on some medication. We want to get you into surgery next week. That's the very earliest he can fit you in.

Mom was trying her best to not seem too emotional, but I knew she was just as happy as I was. Surgery is definitely scary, but if it's going to make me better I am all for it.

Dr. Wolff went into some risks and things that could go wrong. The chances weren't too high for things to go wrong, but I knew they were always a possibility. After we discussed everything and my mom asked all her questions we left the office and went by and got my new medications filled. Even though I didn't have to start them until next week. Mom was telling me how happy she was and talking about having to get the week off work to take care of me when I got a text message from Marshall.

"Hey Abby. Haven't heard from you in a while. Checking on you."

I was beginning to worry Marshall was growing attached to me. All the conversations we had I knew he was a very caring and loving person who wanted someone to share his life with. I was fearing the time may be coming to tell him I wasn't that person for him. I was trying hard to avoid that though because I knew it wouldn't go well. Those kind of conversations never did. 

"I'm fine Marshall. Thanks for asking."

I went home and went into my room. I had a lot of stuff going through my head. I know sooner or later I needed to come clean about my illness. Even though there's a chance this will cure me, it could always come back. Marshall had texted me back almost immediately and tried to strike up a conversation but I didn't answer. I didn't answer when he called me either. None of the three times he tried. He left a pretty sad sounding voicemail. But tonight I just didn't have the energy to pretend. I was worried about this surgery, about when I was going to come clean with him and how much it would hurt him. None of those things were going to get better anytime soon.