i used to caught in a cycle of self destruction. cutting, and burning, and starving. i hated myself and was destroying myself just by looking in the mirror.
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but this...this is something different.
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i want to dance with boys who will tell me i'm pretty, even if they don't mean it and it's just for a night. i want them to kiss away my sadness while i pretend it's you. they can touch my hips and whisper in my ear, and i will let it happen because fake love is better than none.
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never have i been so tempted by my grandfathers liquor in the basement, or by the cigarettes my father leaves laying around. the offer of drugs has never been so appealing...maybe i am just a product of my fuck of a father.
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it's quite terrifying to live this way, to want to live this way. but i don't know how else to make myself feel alive right now.
