Just Some Ramblings of Mine..

Happy New Years...er somethin'

It's 2011. That's an odd thing to say. I don't know how I feel about it being 2011. It's.... it seems like It shouldn't be.  Time is going by way too fast, and I don't like it. At all.

I spent New Years Eve with some awesome people named Tara, Leslie, Bre, Katie, Marissa, Stephanie, and Brady.   We're silly. We spent New Years Eve playing card games. And listening to music. And watchin' Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve. And talking. For hours. About nonsense. It was pretty darn awesome, how our brains work.

Our conversations included aliens, ghosts, spirits, demons, little children, offending words, area 51, religion, and relationships or lack of.  (Of course the conversation had to turn to relationships. We *are* adolescent females, after all.)

It's always good to know I'm not the only insanely jealous person out there.

But yeah, I didn't sleep at all last night. I slept from about 7:45a from 8:25a, and then I came home, and I slept 'till 1:30. My days are all jumbled up. I feel like yesterday was two days ago.

"You little piece of gum! You're just used and dried up like a piece of gum!"

"Don't hit Harvey! He's a nice lady!"

Chimpanzee =/= Japanese.

Last night was good times.

..

Then I wake up and realize that just because it's a new year, you don't really get a "clean slate."

I mean, sure, you can try and live your life differently, but unless you have help from everyone around you, it won't work out. You can say that 2011 is going to be the best year of your life so far, but it's hard to believe when your stomach is constantly in knots and you feel like crap all the time. The media doesn't help, and neither does talking to anyone, because nobody understands, truly understands. So you keep your mouth shut.

And even though there's so much to be happy about, the negitives still dwell around your mind constantly nagging at you. "How could you be happy when this is going on?"

You try to please everyone and all you want to do is be a friend. A good friend, a good person. Because everybody has always told you that you're not a good person, that you're not worth it, and you want to prove the world wrong.

But it's hard to prove the world wrong when you believe it yourself.

And all you want is for someone to accept you for who you are. But that's impossible, because nobody knows who you are. You don't even know who you are.

When everyone is always lying to you, and you never know what goes on, and you get to bottle up everything inside because nobody really cares to listen...

It's hard to say that it's a new year, and a new you. Because honestly, even though you think you know something and you think you can handle everyhing, and you think that it's all someday going to just be a thing in the past and you think that you'll get through all this nonsense...

maybe you're wrong.

And it's always the maybe that ties you down and beats you senseless.

..

A good friend of mine told me a little while back that he doesn't like me storing up my problems and that when he could he'd let me vent.

But I think he's plainly silly. Because i'm scared that if I were to tell him everything that I have going on... he'd leave. I'm so scared of my friends leaving me. It's one of the reasons why I do store up my problems. Way back when, when I thought the friends I had were going to be my friends forever, I actually told people what was wrong.

The people I called my best friends... the ones I told everything too... the ones I trusted... the ones I allowed myself to be vulnerable with... they left. They aren't my friends anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the reason why.

...

There's an event called "if you really knew me" going around facebook, where today you're supposed to post who you really are as your status. 

This, I suppose, Is my version of that.

...

Honestly though, Happy New Year. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I wish you the best year possible. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. I pray that every day is a blessing and that you chase your dreams, and even though it sounds all corney and cliche, I hope all your wishes come true.

2011, bring it on.

♥