The Blue City

Attempt at random book?

Well guys, here it is...

My attempt to continue to update y'all about my life. Excuse the words that I type, I'm running on probably 2-3 hours of sleep because of the nightmares I had last night about my exam today.

I've had both a very taxing and very rewarding week. For those of you who didn't see, I discovered I could draw this week, which was really exciting, because I think I can make beautiful art to go along with my poetry. Or at least that's the intention.

ECE has been kicking my butt though. We had homework due Wednesday for signals, and then my poor students got 60s on their exams. Also, there's an unresolved conundrum about today's exam, because I got on to the test and couldn't access it. I hope my professor is lenient because he honestly kind of scares me, a lot.

I also heard bad news, that my circuits professor's research program was cancelled because of corona. So, I'm taking summer classes online. I'm taking Chinese literature and something about sustainable resource use or something. Honestly, I kind of forget because my memory this week is down the toilet.

All I know is that I had my heartbreak earlier in the week where I just kinda talked to Drew and cried.

This is what my professor told me, if y'all were curious:

"There is nothing finalized about Summer programs at [the university], but my gut tells me they will all be canceled.  I am trying to get a confirmed decision for that, but nothing for sure yet.  I hope to know for sure by the end of the week, and then I'll let you know.  I send out received applications to the various faculty mentors that I manage in this program, and let them pick students.  A few of them have selected particular students and we made offers to them.  Not all faculty have gotten back to me, and I am not pushing it since I think the program will not be able to run, because I think the University is going to keep the campus essentially closed until mid-summer at least, not official, but this is the word I get."

And then today they sent out an official cancellation email.

But the way he worded this makes me feel as though none of the faculty were interested in me, which really broke my heart for a while. Like yeah, I'm a sophomore and my GPA is a 3.12. But I have internship experience, know the department inside out, had a great letter of recommendation from Dr. Reid, and honestly have a lot of moxy. So yeah, it would really make me sad if those were the things that kept me from being considered.

I will say though, that perhaps it's what I need. Maybe someday I'll come back and I'll just be that much better, you know? At the very least, besides the gen eds, I can begin to dedicate my summer to the discipline of electronics. 

You know, I hope to come into the fall a student of a craft that is beyond anything else. I want to be able to sit down and devote myself to my classes because it's going to be tough. I'm going to have emag II, power, electronics, random signals, accounting and two labs. And I don't know guys, I think it's just a lot.  I might move back emag II so I'm not so overwhelmed, but I also don't want to take Martin so eh?

Anyways, I feel like I need a break after everything that's been going on. I haven't slept much this week because of all the studying I have to do. So I think Saturday I'm going to break and Sunday I'm going to start studying for all the exams that I have. Reid gave us a take home exam and we most likely have an emag one on Wednesday, on top of labs that are due and accounting on Tuesday.

It's a lot, but it's the end of the semester and I think just about everyone is done.

I know I am. Sometimes guys, I'm afraid that I'm not gonna be able to make my goals in ECE. Like I know it's a lot of what I talk about, but it's still hard. It's like the navy seals of engineering, you know? I absolutely love what I do though, otherwise I would've quit somewhere in the middle of all the hardship of it.

Anyways, ya girl is gonna take a hiatus from that and rest a little while because she's tired.

I'm sorry to come at you guys with such bad and depressing news, but honestly I'm hurting because of this whole coronavirus thing and I'm scared. I'm scared of my dad losing his job and me not being able to continue college and all of the difficult things about the world. And I'm kind of sick of seeing people telling me to be optimistic.

Like don't get me wrong, I'm 100% about the light at the end of the tunnel. There have been moments where people have given me hope and it's pulled me out of the deep, dark, hole of depression that I feel inside sometimes. I believe in encouragement too. I give it out like candy to my boys and y'all and I mean every bit of it.

But this "got to stay optimistic" bullshit makes me upset. I don't feel like I can be earnest about how upset I am that my life has derailed. Like am I wrong to miss having coffee with my accounting buddy, and sitting and talking to Austin in the library after emag? Is it wrong to miss hearing cynical old Justin talk about his soccer kids, and know that deep down he cares a lot? Am I wrong to be upset about research and the crappiness of my online situation?

People have it worse than me. I'm well aware. There are people dying and I have tried my hardest to AVOID looking at any of the news that makes me terrified about the future, and the economy, and everything. I have tried my hardest to pretend that everything is okay. And it's been that way when I go to my grandparents. I can feel happy there. But I'm sick and tired of seeing my parents goof off while I continue to work my ass off to do ECE. Like yeah, I'm not doing it every minute of the day, but it's painful to get MOTIVATION. Period. And watching them play and use the television and enjoy themselves just makes me sad because I want to do it too. Selfish, I know, but I can't help how I feel.

You think I want to have all this work to do now? I want to just lay back and play Xbox. But I'm afraid of going downstairs because I don't want to be around my parents.

I just want this to end. I want some silence and some peace. And to not feel trapped.

Haha yay...now blue is being depressed yet again.

I'm being like way too frank about it all, but oh well, I think maybe saying what I'm thinking will help.

Anyways, I'm gonna get a nap soon because I'm exhausted and need it dearly. 

Stay well and stay safe, and I hope next time I talk to you I'm actually happy enough to not be like this.

Tschüssi
Blue