The Blue City

Rough week

Do y'all ever wake up and just feel today you just can't? Like you should just stop, like you just shouldn't do anything for a while? Like the entire world thinks you're stupid and too much of a try-hard and that you should just stop and be like normal people?

I need an RC rectifier for my life lol.

I wake up some days and don't feel like I'm worth anything, that the world around me just views me as some silly girl who walks around and just displaces society that is at an alright equilibrium.

Yeah, I know, a lot of nerdy physics terms. I'm an electrical engineer so yeah.

But you know guys, I walk down the street and wave and smile at people and I feel empty inside.

I feel like people look at me and think "oh hey there's that girl, the one that's so stupidly happy she can't control her emotions"

Or "hey there's that weirdo who doesn't know how to function like a normal person"

"What's her deal with the department anyways? Why can't she just settle down and act normal?"

"Why does she talk about ECE and her department literally every second of the day? Why can't she talk about normal things like television or celebrities?"

You know, when I told someone today that I just don't feel like touching circuitry for a while and I as just kind of done with everything, it was like "welcome to adult life, welcome to being a cynic"

And yet I memorize everything about classes I haven't taken yet.

I learn that half and full rectifiers exist. That going in the positive side of a diode drops the voltage by 0.7, but only the positive voltage is taken. I sit there and learn. I memorize, I internalize.

It makes me happy, as pointless as it is.

And that happiness doesn't feel real sometimes. It feels surreal, like anything good that I feel isn't real. It feels like nobody could possibly enjoy my company, and that they just put on a good face. That I bother everyone around me.

And then the part of me that screams it isn't true also is like "what is reality?"

I literally feel like I'm drifting through every day and just asserting my stupid self where it doesn't need to be.

And then I think of the times I've been told that my positivity is a good thing. But it feels false. Funnily enough, it comes from the people I admire the most, too. And you'd think I'd feel like it's true because of that, but I just feel done.

I can't even rest in peace, either.

But that's another story.

I feel really isolated right now guys. I just wish I didn't feel so stupid and frustrated.

I think even my circuits professor can tell I'm struggling. Like the wave of sadness over me right now is massive.

I probably just need a weekend of quiet, but we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for reading and I'm sorry that this is so sad, but I just feel like I can't this week...

Tschüssi

Blue