The Mistress

LI

*Matilda*

Pregnancy is a whole new life experience for me
It like a rebirth, not in a deformative way but a rather complicated one

The week after the kit test...
I literally started panicking.. Hoping and begging my menstrual cycle to begin
I didn't want to conclude that the quick stupid test I did when I was nauseous could actually be true

Every morning I would stand in front of the mirror checking to see if there was anything abnormal growth in my stomach area

I even went to cyber cafe and Google the chances of fertility after using contraceptives.

It explained that short term usage of the pill may have no negative effect on the fertility and menstrual reestablishment

I only used the pill twice and it was even rationally... I thought that it was necessary but not compulsory

And then I also read that how often you had sex could kick back the normal fertility procedure

Oh now that's a loophole
Felix and I had alot of that
Infact it was more like a compelling dosage..
I can easily say we spent more time having sex than talking

All the shit I read made me even more furious than I was....
I hurried out of the cafe and head to the store and got another kit

I did the test approximately eight times and it gave the same result. The last time I didn't even wait for the result I threw the kit out the window in anger

Just when I thought I was finally getting the weight off my shoulder and my life was starting to find a new purpose...

He just had to drop his offspring in me and leave me with his mark

I contemplate on just getting rid of the baby and everything falls back to normal but my Nana became a seer overnight

She showed up at my room in the middle of the night and sat beside my bed
I was even frightened that something had happened and then she placed her hand on my stomach and starting ranting about motherhood and antenatal and christening

"I don't understand.... Am not pregnant.. Why would you think that am pregnant "

"Oh pls..... You did a good job trying to hide it from me but your ceaseless devouring of my cookies and that smell"

"What smell"

"The smell of a baby keeps feeling my nostrils and I just knew my instincts were right..... Ohhh I can't wait to have that little bundle of joy wrapped in my arms"

"Uhmmm I think you misunderstood the situation Nana... I am pregnant but am not going to keep the baby "

"Whhh.. Whatt... Why not''

"Because..... It the right thing to do"

"How's that the right thing to do.... Are you out of your mind "

"No am being cynical..."
I stood up from the cranky mattress and pace around my tiny room
" I'm not ready to be a mother, I cant keep this baby... It will be a constant reminder of my ugly past and how do i try to move pass it when I am going to be haunted by my foolishness forever"

"I don't see any sense in the rubbish that you are saying..... How can you think that way about a gift.... Do you know how I felt when your mother told me she was pregnant with you... Even if she was a crackhead with greed.. I opened my arms to the experience of being a grandmother.. You are confused now I get it but don't you dare make irrational decisions just because you think it the right thing to do...... It not the baby's fault that you are not ready... So You can not decide to ruin it for your own selfish interest..... It here and it here to stay "