Serendipity Strikes

55

Shawn

During Em's hospitalization and bedrest, I went from being a regular dad to being Super Dad.

Her stay at Toronto General was tough because she kept gently pushing me away. Emmaline said I could visit alone once a day and with Jax for a second time. I knew it wasn't because she didn't want to be with me and that it had everything to do with Jax, but it was really difficult to not spend all my waking hours with her when she was so vulnerable. I was terrified of the placental abruption getting worse, and illogically, I felt that if I was there, it was less likely to do so. This was nonsense, but my instincts were to protect my wife and unborn baby, even if that wasn't possible.

As essentially a single father, I came to realize how much Emmaline did. Food took up an enormous amount of time since I'd promised my wife we wouldn't eat out every meal. My repertoire of things I could make was very limited, but I was doing my best. Jax even told me that my tacos were the yummiest he'd ever had. We went grocery shopping together so that he could help me plan what we'd eat, though I put my foot down when he suggested ice cream sundaes for one dinner.

Soon after we'd moved into the house, someone started to come in every other week to clean, but that didn't mean that we let the house fall apart between those visits. I had to stay on top of picking up and keeping the kitchen clean, and I even ran the vacuum. Laundry had to be done, so I got out the manual and learned how to work the washer and dryer rather than bother Em for instructions. These were things most people did as part of their day to day lives, but I'd gotten accustomed to the privilege that came with my profession. My mom had taken care of a lot of things for me when I was younger, then I hired others to do the tasks I didn't want to do, and eventually I married Emmaline and she ran our household. One thing I learned from her hospitalization was that I needed to do more while I was on hiatus. We were a partnership, and I was ashamed to admit that we'd fallen into some traditional (and sexist) roles.

Each night after Jax's bedtime routine of taking a bath, reading books, and singing songs, I collapsed into bed. It wasn't just that I was working hard; I was having to do everything with a smile on my face so that Jax didn't worry. He knew something was wrong since Em was in the hospital, but we'd told him that the baby needed to be watched by a doctor for a while. If I'd let my anxiety show, he would have figured out that it was much more serious than that.

Since I was practically banished from the hospital, Jax and I had a ton of one on one time. Every afternoon I planned a different outing, whether it was a trip to the playground, a museum, or my parents' place. We both needed to get out of the house for a couple hours a day, and he was a child that needed activity. Jax went to preschool in the mornings, then we'd have lunch, and after that we'd do something fun. I visited Em while he was in school, and then Jax and I would go see her for a short visit before dinner. He loved listening to X's heartbeat over the fetal monitor and got excited to see the photos of the baby that came with each ultrasound. I liked those things, too, to be honest. Sometimes at night I'd have Em turn her phone to speaker mode so I could listen to the whooshing sound before I went to sleep.

On the Friday of Em's hospital stay, I had to take Jax to the pediatrician to get his stitches removed. When we got checked in, I was very thankful that we weren't in the US because once again, he would have been denied treatment since a signature would have been required for the procedure. My mind was preoccupied with Em, the baby, and caring for my son, but late at night as I lay in my bed alone, I found myself thinking about the adoption issue. When Em said she wanted to hear me out, I was given hope. Eventually we'd revisit the discussion, and I'd do my best to persuade her to at least consider allowing me to legally become Jax's father. The birth certificate was what made her shut the idea down, and I understood why. I didn't want Mike removed from it, either, and would never want Jaxon to forget who his first dad was. On the other hand, it was just a piece of paper, and he'd be able to keep the original document that listed Mike as the father.