Estella

Chapter 19

A month has passed since Parker finally kissed me.

Now, after four long weeks, he is finally taking me on an official date.

I cannot believe he made me wait four weeks for this.

Sure, I have seen him plenty of times in the past month, but tonight, tonight is officially a date.

The last four weeks have also been really eventful in terms of my pregnancy.

I am showing to a point where there is no hiding it.

I am clearly pregnant and anyone who sees me will know that.

I almost decided to cancel on Parker tonight.

As much as I don't want to go in public, as much as I don't want people to see me like this, it is unrealistic to try and hide it.

People are going to find out, people are going to stare, people are going to judge me without knowing any of my story.

I am just going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I just need to ignore everyone else.

I just need to be happy for myself.

•

"So, have you picked out a name yet?" Parker asks me as we walk side by side.

"Not yet." I say.

Coming up with a name has been way too difficult.

For years, all these big decisions have been made for me, for four years, all my choices were made for me.

Now, now that I have this huge decision to make myself.

And I don't know what to do.

Being able to control things, make my own choices, it's just so weird.

I don't know what to do.

It's like I have forgotten how to think for myself.

But I really need to start figuring out a name.

I am just so afraid of giving my daughter a bad name.

I don't want to be the reason she is made fun of.

I don't want to look back and regret my choice.

For this, I wish I had someone to help me.

I know that I am going to be raising my daughter without her father, and I have accepted that.

But having a boyfriend or husband to help me make decisions like these would be nice.

"Do you have any ideas?" Parker asks me.

"I mean, I have thought about it a bit, but it is really hard to choose." I admit to him.

I know that it seems as if I am stressing about this more than I should be, but as I said, I haven't made a choice for self in years.

It's like I forgot how to think for myself.

I just don't want to make a bad choice.

I am just so scared.

Picking a name is going to add to how real this feels.

And I am just so terrified of being a bad mother.

I am terrified of giving my child a horrible life.

I am just so terrified to raise a human.

I know that in the end everything is going to be fine, but I still worry.

How could I not?

Having a child is a huge deal, and I have no idea how to be a mother.

I am going to have absolutely no clue what I am doing.

But am I supposed to?

It is kind of hard to know how to do something when you have never done it before.

I just can't stop overthinking everything, and panicking about every detail.

"Are you okay?" Parker asks me.

"Yeah, I am just thinking, overthinking, mostly." I admit.

"Es, everything is going to be fine, sure it may be a little difficult at the start, but everything will come through in the end." He tells me.

"I know." I admit.

I am well aware that I am overthinking absolutely everything, but there is no stoping that.

It isn't like a test that will come and go.

This is a child.

An actual child that I am going to have for the rest of my life.

Nothing is insignificant about this.

I just need to shut up and stop thinking.

Everything is going to be perfect.

Sure, challenges will be faced, wrongs will be done, things will be difficult.

But in the end, everything is going to be perfect.

I hope.

It's been a rough week.

I missed last weeks update because out of nowhere my dog's kidneys failed, and we had to put him down because the intense IV treatment(the only treatment) didn't work. He was only seven and he was my best friend and I miss him so much.

Then two days later, my grandmother passed of heart, lung, kidney, and liver failure, she has been sick for years. She asked to let her go, she was ready.

So it's been rough.

But my birthday is in 3 days! Ima be 19. And then I leave for vacation next Friday, my birthday is this Friday. So hopefully things go well and no one hides in the bushes from a cop this year.

And I'll probably be getting a puppy once we get home, if I can find one. My state still isn't quite open and I cannot find puppies anywhere. And we need a puppy because I have 3 dogs now, and they do not do well when introduced to an adult dog, we need to bring a puppy in.

And we don't care about the breed either, this is nothing. I mean, I don't want another tiny dog, but that's about it.