The Girl with the Blue Hair

14| Blues

"Well, Josephine everything looks good, are you still seeing your therapist?" Dr. Dell asks throwing the tongue presser in the trash.

'Yes, every other week like always,' I reply. I've been coming to Dr. Dell since I was diagnosed with Neurogenic Mutism when I was five. As a baby I would speak, well the whole 'goo goo gah gah' thing but at least something was coming out of my mouth. But one day, I had a spontaneous seizure, and I lost my voice.

"Great well, I will see you at our next appointment." Dr. Dell waves goodbye before exiting the room.

After putting my coat on and grabbing my purse from the chair I stop in front of the small mirror hangin by the door. You know those day where you just can't stand to look at yourself. Where you feel ugly, worthless. Angry at the world for making the way you are.

I feel this way after every appointment. I don't understand why I can't do something so simply to anyone else. A lonely tear falls from my eye and I quickly wipe it away as if it never appeared. The drive home with my mom is quiet, the music on the radio flows from the speakers but I can't concentrate on it with my mind constantly running.

Before I can run up the stairs to do the one thing that calms me down and that is an escape my mom grabs my hand stopping me in my tracks.  Gently tugging my towards her body she wraps her arms tightly around me.

"I know this is a shitty situation, but just know that we love you just the way you are. Voice or no voice doesn't change that, okay." Tears sting at my eyes as I tighten my arms around her waist. "I love you." She mumbles against my head before leaving a kiss there.

Backing away I give her a sad smile and sign the words 'I love you too'.

******

My phone lays silent on my bed, Occasionally lightning up with a text message but I don't bother to check. Other than art, the only other thing I'm good at is pushing people away when I'm having a bad day and just need a break. My mom and brother know exactly what I'm like on days like this. Barely leaving my room except to use the bathroom and to get something to eat or drink. My butt stays firming on my desk chair and my hand is either painting or drawing.

So, that's exactly what I'm doing, but yet again I rip the paper from my sketch book and crumple it in my hands throwing it on the ground next to the others that didn't turn out. Closing the book with a frustrated sign and nudging it away I rest my head in my hands.

Tears prickly at my eyes once again and I try my best to not let them fall.

*****
A couple days have gone by still feeling depressed and angry at the world. Lunches with Maggie have been quiet. I can tell she knows somethings wrong from the side glances and the softness of her voice when she talks. I know it's her way of telling me she's here when I'm ready to talk.

As for Bryan, I feel as if he's treating me as if I'm a fragile piece of glass that's about to break any minute. Continually offering to talk and if I need to cry, to just let it out. I appreciate at it, I do, really but I just need my time to wallow in self pity that I will never be able to talk, sing, or even cackle at a stupid joke.

Oh here comes the prickles in my eyes again.

"You wanna go shopping after school today? I'm thinking about redoing my room." Maggie says leaning against the locker next to mine.

I nod my head stuffing a book in my bag before sliding it on my shoulder.

"And you might as well just stay over and I'll even endure that horrible movie you love so much." She rolls her eyes playfully, biting her lip to hold back a smile.

Angus, Thongs, and perfect snogging," I ask?

"I don't know how you like that movie."

"It's funny. And also Robbie is hot." I explain as we walk side by side to our first period.

"And that's the only reason I can get through it."

******
"This one's nice right, what do you think?" Maggie asks holding up a white pillow with yarn stitching.

"I think it looks exactly the same as the other 4 pillows you picked up." Liam groans behind us rubbing his temples.

"Why did we invite him again?" Maggie asks placing the pillow down and rolling her eyes at her brother.

"You did, in exchange for lunch which I hope is soon."

"Yeah, I'm kind of hungry too. Think we can take a brake?" I ask hoping I can stop the pending bickering that about to happen.

"Ugh, fine but we're having Mexican since I'm paying." Maggie groans and makes her way towards the exit with Liam and I in tow.

"So how are you Jo, really. Maggie's been worried about you that's why she picked a Tuesday to redecorate her whole room."

I smile, "I'll be okay."
I can tell it's not enough by the purse of his lips and a gently nod I receive. It's the same look I get when someone asks how I'm holding up and I give the same answer, and I know they care and they want to be the one I spill me guts to but I'm just trying to accept it and work through it.

I will be okay, but for some reason the nagging voice in the back of my head says otherwise.