Misconceptions (Zayn Malik)

Chapter 36 ~ Mila

Chapter 36 ― Mila

I needed to breathe and clear my mind, but it was hard when all I could think was how everything I had done so far was over. I understood he didn’t do it on purpose, he didn’t meant to hurt me the way he did, but anyways he betrayed me somehow. I told him oh so many times to not say anything about my writing, to let me write my own destiny in that matter, but he forgot about that on live television. The one thing that was really important to me, my biggest dream. He just forgot about that. I couldn’t just ignore what his mistake meant.

It hurt.

I felt betrayed yet at the same time I had a voice inside of me telling me that I couldn’t be so hard on him, but I had this other voice, the voice that looked after me kept telling me that what he did was serious. And it was. It meant so many things and affected those truly important matters in my life.

My writing was something no one could mess with.

Moni was about to kill someone, probably Zayn, whilst I kept looking at the screen in complete shock, still struggling to know what to do. I felt suffocated and I felt like a panic attack was getting closer. I needed air, I needed space to think.

I heard my friend talking, but I wasn’t really paying attention. My mind was a complete chaos and suddenly, things started to spin. I wanted to run, I wanted to run as far away as possible. Before things could get worse, I felt strong arms around me holding me tightly. I focused only on that, on the real things, on what was immediately happening and I forgot about the consequences of Zayn’s acts. At least for a little bit, until I could breathe normally again.

I didn’t know how long it took me until I could feel like myself again, until my mind was clear and I could see the rest of the room. Moni was still holding me and in all that time she hadn’t said anything, knowing how to handle that kind of situation with me. It hadn’t been a proper panic attack, but I had been damn close.

“I’m okay now,” I told Moni so she could loosen up her hold on me.

She looked at me in the eyes, trying to see if I was really okay and only when she was convinced I wasn’t going to freak out, she smiled at me and loosened up her arms around me. “Wanna talk?” She asked me softly and I shook my head. I needed to work things out in my mind first before speaking out. “That’s okay. I’ll be here. I won’t let anyone bother you,” she promised and I kissed her cheek and hugged her back.

“Let’s go smoking outside, please,” I asked her and she nodded because she knew I could think straight with a cigarette in my hand.

We went to the balcony and I lit up my cigarette and just with the first drag I felt immediately a bit better and with my mind clearer.

The fact was that now every single fan of One Direction knew that Zayn’s girlfriend was a writer, therefore I was going to gain many readers but most of them were only going to read my stories because I was with Zayn, not because what I could actually write. Before that there were a few who knew I wrote, but now everyone knew it.

Due to the same, I was going to get tons of unjustified hatred. They were going to attack my writing, something it had nothing to do with Zayn, just because I was his girlfriend. I could take hatred, I could totally ignore them and even laugh at them… but when it came to my writing it was different. I was already very insecure about everything I wrote and if I suddenly got millions of girls telling me I didn’t know how to write, that I was terrible and I should just die— at some point those words were going to get to me.

I wanted real readers, people who would really stay with me because they enjoyed what I could do. I didn’t want people reading my fanfics only because whom I was with. I never wanted that, I hated the idea, but that was what I was going to get because of Zayn’s mistake.