October to October

{Chapter Thirty-Eight}

   Joan was at her parent's house while she recovered. Lauren learned that through Wren. Henry and Wren were taking care of the house until she could return. The injury to Joan's eye was serious, and they weren't sure she would ever get her vision back. It broke Lauren's heart.   

    Joan moved back into the purple Victorian at the end of November. Lauren watched as Henry pulled up in Joan's van, and he helped Joan out. Lauren was sitting on her porch and watching from a distance. She didn't go and visit. She knew that Joan didn't want anything to do with her now. Lauren couldn't blame her.

    Lauren waited until the next day to go visit. She knew they had to have the conversation sooner or later.

  The purple Victorian was dark when Lauren headed down the street, and Henry's car was gone. She loved Henry, but she knew this was a conversation she and Joan needed to have on their own. 

  There was no answer when Lauren knocked; so she used the key that Joan had given her. The house felt different as Lauren stepped inside even though nothing had changed. She looked around the formal living room and the kitchen before heading upstairs, but Joan wasn't in her bedroom. 

  Lauren knew where she was. She headed up towards to the tower, and she knocked twice on the door before opening it up. Joan was propped up with a bunch of pillows and eating a bowl of noodles as a romantic comedy played on her laptop. She didn't look shocked to see Lauren.

  "I heard you opening the door," Joan said. "I never thought you were going to come see me."

  Lauren couldn't stop staring at the ugly purple bruise above Joan's eye that was covered with a black patch, and the ugly black stitches on her forehead. They had to shave a part of her hair so she was half bald, and she apparently hadn't gotten around to cutting off the rest of her hair or maybe she would keep it that way. Lauren stood there in the door and stared at the beat up and bruised girl that Lauren loved more than anything and cradled in her arms as she bled.

  "You wouldn't let me see you," Lauren said as soon as she found her voice.

  "Yeah, I'm sorry about that," Joan said after a moment. "I've just... needed some space. And possibly losing your vision is kind of a traumatizing thing. I haven't spoken to anyone except Wren and Henry lately. I haven't even seen most of my siblings."

   "I figured," Lauren said quietly. It felt so strange to be so far away from Joan - physically and emotionally. They were always so connected. Now it felt like they were a million miles away from each other. "I wanted to give you time."

  Joan shrugged as she put down her bowl of noodles on the window sill. "I figured. Plus I was a little worried that Hope would say why she threw a rock at me. I didn't want you to get involved if they ever figured out why Hope did it."

    Lauren felt a lump in her throat. "So Hope hit you on purpose?"

    Joan nodded. "... Yeah, she did. Isn't it hilarious? Like an old-fashioned stoning."

  "It isn't funny," Lauren said; glaring at Joan. 

  "Hey, it happened to me so I can joke about it," Joan said with a shrug. "She uh... she accused me of seducing you."

    Lauren felt a tear fall down her cheek. "I'm sorry."

   "It isn't your fault," Joan said with a sigh; looking down at her bowl. "It's Hope's. I didn't tell the cops that's why she hit me though. I didn't want that to be your big coming out story."

    "Well, thanks," Lauren said, and she felt terrible. "But you should tell them."

   "You are in the closet," Joan reminded her. "I'm not going to out you."

   For the first time since they were together; there was the unmistakable ring of bitterness in Joan's voice. She never pushed Lauren to come out. She'd never shown any displeasure in hiding their relationship or any sign that it was tiring for her, but it had to be. Lauren felt so stupid for thinking they could exist as a couple in the middle of all that deception.

  "Can I sit?" Lauren finally asked in a small voice.

  Joan looked up as well as she could. "I don't really feel like company at the moment actually."

  Another blow.

  "Listen... I'm sorry," Lauren said again. She felt tears in her eyes, and she hated herself for it. "I'm so sorry that this happened. If I'd just told everyone and gotten it over with this wouldn't have happened, and I understand you being mad at me for it, but... I love you Joan. I love you more than anything in the world."

  Joan looked tired suddenly as she picked pretend lint off the blanket over her lap. "I'm not mad at you. It isn't your fault that Hope went psycho on me. She was already unstable, and we started saying a lot of things and getting each other riled up. We have a history from before I knew you. She's never liked me despite what she might have said.."

  "I didn't know," Lauren said honestly. "I didn't know it was that bad. I feel so stupid for not seeing it."

  "Her family are hateful assholes. Her parents are huge homophobes  - surprise, surprise," Joan said with a flash of anger. "That's one of the reasons I lot touch with them. They wanted to 'save me' and said all sorts of cruel, digusting things to me after I came out. They weren't that great to me even before I did though..."

  Joan sighed; looking so sad that it broke Lauren's heart all over again.  

  "But... this isn't about Hope," Joan said simply. "I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding who I am. It's up to you to come out, and I tried to understand. I really did, but I want to be in love with someone. I want to share their whole life. I'm sick of lying. I'm not pressuring you to come out, but..."

   "You are though," Lauren said as the tears finally poured out. "You're saying we can't be together until I come out. How is that not pressuring me?"

  "I'm sorry," Joan said, and her lip trembled. "I know you aren't ready, and I would never force you. I just want you to do it eventually for yourself... But I can't be with someone who hasn't. Could you really tell someone today or next week that you're gay? Can you?"

  Lauren clung to the side of the door as she stared down at the floor, but she didn't hesitate. 

  "You know that I can't."

   "Exactly," Joan said quietly. "And I know that maybe I should be strong enough to stand by you through it, but... I'm not. I'm not super human, and I've gone through it already. I'm still going through it. I can't sit by and watch again. I'm sick of not being able to be who I am. I'm sick of putting up with people in your universe. I got away from them for a reason, and I... I can't be with someone still in that world."  

  "I understand," Lauren said after a moment as she tried to wipe her tears on the neckline of her t-shirt. She refused to look at Joan. "I'm going to go..."

  "I love you," Joan said.

  "I love you too," Lauren said as she finally looked up at the battered and bruised face she loved so much. She walked in the small room that they cleared and painted together, and she leaned down to kiss Joan gently on the lips. Joan's hand caressed Lauren's hair, and Lauren's hand strayed on the shoulder. She glanced at the line of freckles.

  "Thank you for saving me," Joan said quietly. "They told me at the hospital about you and Ruth... that you both saved my life. I would have died if you hadn't found me."

  "All in a days work," Lauren weakly joked.

  Joan almost smiled as they sat face to face. "I feel like I should get Ruth something... flowers maybe? Or would that be too gay?"

  "She's just glad to have a story she can tell the rest of her life," Lauren admitted, and they both had to laugh. 

  "... I'm going to miss you," Joan said quietly.

  "Me too," Lauren said lightly and kissed Joan again; their faces were so close Lauren could see the tears clinging to Joan's eyelashes.

  "Good luck."

  "You too."