THE HIDDEN WEASLEY

Who Am I

Have you ever felt like you are stuck, stuck in the wrong place, stuck in a life that's not really meant to be yours, stuck with people you weren't supposed to know, or maybe you have felt like you don't belong in the place where you are and with the people you are with. I have felt like this so many times, maybe its because I'm an orphan, maybe its because I live in a care home maybe it's because for as long as I can remember I have been shunted from one home to another never staying anywhere long another to be able to call somewhere home. Never feeling loved or wanted.  

I've always felt like I wasn't meant to live in the world I live in, I've always felt like there was another world, another place that was meant to be mine. A world that was so very different from the one I was stranded in. I'm not like everyone else in this home or the many other homes I've been in, I am not a true orphan my parents aren't dead there very much alive or so I've been told, I have a family, A family that supposedly loves me and wanted me but for reasons outside of their control couldn't keep me this confuses not just me but the people who care for me, I wasn't taken off them by social workers I wasn't just left someplace to rot and die without a care in the world, I was left in a basket outside a place well known to care for orphaned and abandoned children I was left tucked up in a basket with hand knitted cloths, cloths that show so much love, and a letter splattered with tears, the tears of someone I don't know. 

At the same time, I am just like everyone else in the care system, rejected and unwanted by other adults, adults who could of should have loved me if not at least cared for my well-being and could have protected me from what was to come. Adults who could have given me a new life a better life than the one I'm currently living, A life that I hate, a life that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I know I have a family who loves me, a family that left me but I don't understand why. I have this strange feeling that my life was supposed to be so very different from what it is now. This has been the case for me ever since I opened my eyes to this strange pain-filled world. This world has already put me so through so much. Sometimes I remember small things, things that I have been told can't be true as I was too small and too young to remember the first few hours of my life before I was abandoned. No matter how many times I have been told that these memories are false these memories are something I hold on to for dear life, I don't know why but I just know these memories are real and not a figment of my imagination as so many have told me and that one day I will have the proff to show everyone that has ever doubted me how right I was.

I remember another child, another baby just like me, I remember the feeling of her small chubby fingers wrapped around mine. The warmth our two body's shared, I remember the sound of her small heartbeat next to mine, I remember it all. I remember the tear-stained faces of a young woman and man with bright ginger hair looking down at me and then the strange feeling of sickness and then nothing. Just this heartbreaking feeling that I was torn away from the life that was meant to be mine. I know without a doubt I'm not meant to be here.

I know I was born on the 11th of August 1981 but where I was born and who my parents are, I don't know the social services tried to track down my parents, in the hope of helping them and reuniting me with them but with so few leads and no clues where I come from it was like looking for a needle in a haystack, no hospitals had records of my birth no one came forward saying they were my parents or relative, no one came forward saying a pregnant woman suddenly was no longer pregnant and that there was no sign of a new baby. I was an anomaly no one, a complete mystery and that hasn't changed.

All I know about my parents is that they apparently loved me and gave me up to keep me safe, I don't know why I wouldn't be safe but apparently, I wasn't, I only know about this because of a letter I was given a letter that I wasn't supposed to have until I reached the age of eighteen or until my new family decided I was old another to be given it. The only other thing that I have which gives me any link to my parents is an old and battered tape, a tape with the voice of a woman singing the same song over and over. This tape means everything to me. I listen to that singing woman so often, that tape is my most treasured possession, that tape always makes me smile even when I am in the darkest depths of hell. This singing woman is apparently my mother, a woman who even though I haven't met I deeply love, a woman who put me into this hell of a life that I am forced to live.

I hope and pray that one day I will get to meet her and ask the questions that I have always wanted to be answered. If I have to search the whole world to find her I will, she's my mum and I just want to see her even if it's just one time. Surely I deserve that, Surely I deserve the answers to the questions that hunt me. I just want to know who I'm and why I can do these strange things, is that so wrong?

My name is Lucy Maycroft and this is my story.