angela

thirty

the following morning, i drove my family to the airport so they could go back to texas, and after that, i went home to pack my stuff. it didn't last long, since i didn't pack that much, we weren't spending more than five days there, after all. then, i called my students families, rescheduling my classes to the next week because of my absence. later that day, when it was almost dark outside, we were all arriving at the airport to leave. in the plane, i sat with natalie, spending the flight talking before we chose a movie to watch together. when we arrived, we didn't do much, heading to the hotel to get some sleep. 

the day after, in the morning, we grabbed breakfast before we left to tour the city for a bit. it didn't last much since david, carly and erin had stuff to do the entire day, basically. as i choice, i went by myself to take a look around the city for a few more hours. no one came with me because they all had different ideas or other important stuff. i'd brought my camera with me, so i took several pics of the interesting things that i found during my little tour. 

when my legs were sore and i was very hungry, i found a small restaurant and sat down to eat. after that, i went back to our hotel, plopping down on the comfortable mattress of my bed. without everyone around me, i felt bored. i didn't have much to do by myself, i'd already visit the city, took a few pictures, what am i supposed to do now? 

i decided to edit those photos, but got bored quickly, ending up checking my pictures to delete some old ones that i didn't need. somehow, i found the pictures from when i was dating ashton. i remember not being emotionally stable enough to look at those pictures, it made my heart ache. my therapist, a few months ago, told me that one day i'd find myself looking at it and it wouldn't hurt like it did back then. it still made me upset, but i felt better now.

i really loved him. i mean, we stayed together for almost four years. we had this awesome dynamic between us, he wasn't just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend and my safe place for all of those years. every time, when i woke up beside him, i felt my heart flutter with happiness, the giddy feeling was always present. sometimes, i felt like i could explode with how much i loved him. it was nice to just sit at the living room to paint him doing the minimals things. he truly liked my paintings, and i like to think that he still have them. i remind checking his instagram once and seeing one of my paintings hanging in his wall.

back then, he was my rock, with only a smile, ashton would brighten up my day. it's weird to think about it now, how can someone be all of that and then suddenly, he's not. he's just a stranger now.

i'm aware to the fact that we didn't end up in the best terms. i remember vividly the day we decided to call it quits, the look of hurt in his face, how he gripped his golden curls out of frustration -the same ones that i used to always stroke before drifting off to sleep while we talked about our day - the way we both cried, but felt way too stubborn to stop fighting. he always cared - maybe he still do -, but i didn't recognize him those last few days, he didn't want me to leave, he didn't want to fight for me, to try to stay with me, he made me feel trapped, it was best for us to end.

that day was unforgettable, i was hurt, everything ached inside me, i felt like i was going to die at any second. i cried for months after i moved to los angeles, i was even seeing at therapist, since i was in a new town with nothing but a broken heart. however, no one knew about how i truly felt. back then, i didn't like to show my feelings, to cry in front of my family and friends, i didn't want them to feel pity for me. i felt stupid, that this was just drama, i didn't want to involve them in this. so i got through everything only seeing a therapist, trying to figure it all out basically by myself. it was rough, the worst months of my life.

without even noticing, i was crying, my face, and now my laptop, all wet with tears as the picture of a smiling ashton was showing. it was the day that i decided to surprise him with a rented apartment for the both of us. it felt so stupid now, to do so much for a person that now is nothing but a faint memory to me.