angela

forty

the next thing i did after crying in the bathroom floor, was rinse my mouth and call my mom. i thought it was the perfect opportunity to bond with her. a heart break, of course she was able to give me some mom advices. i called her, crying a bit as i told her what he did and what i did. "we all know he's right in some kind of way, but it's your life and your decisions, even if we don't agree with it, we need to respect you, no matter what kind of relationship we have with you." it's what one of the things she said to me. "i know i don't know much about this boy, but you seem to really like him, maybe take a step back before you try to talk to him, because i know you want to, just think about this and maybe things will clear out."

"maybe?" i whimpered on the phone, making her chuckle.

"i wish i could give you reassurance about everything, but we have to face the fact that not everything it's fixable or unfixable, we need to be prepared for everything." she closed the call half an hour later, leaving me to think about all of this. then, without thinking twice, i called my old therapist, the one i stopped seeing after a year living here.

when i moved, i was so broken and was keeping so many things to myself, that the only solution was going to see a therapist. it really helped me, but i stopped going, not feeling like i needed it. i've never mentioned, but it was right after i met david. now, i was feeling like the only thing i could do was call her again, because i knew i was not able to get out of this by myself. i'm not that strong. then, we scheduled it for tomorrow at five pm, after work.

two weeks went by, my first concert around the corner, my anxiety almost crushing me inside my chest. i talked to my friends, but i basically pushed them away, saying that, for now, i needed space. at least, they respected that. the last fourteen days felt like a blur. you know that episode of spongebob, when him and patrick destroyed squidward's house with their reef blowers, and squidward decides to move to tentacle acres? then his life was suddenly miserable, and he was stuck in a routine where everything was the same all the damn time, no fun, just the same boring shit everyday. that was me.

i was stuck in this routine: waking up, taking care of my cat and my stuff, getting ready to my rehearsal, going out for lunch before work, then i would go home to practice more until i couldn't move my neck properly, or when my back pain was unbearable. on mondays and fridays i had therapy after work, but that was it.

it's depressing, but i couldn't do much to change it.

the only different thing i did during this, was going to a tattoo shop to make a second one. maybe it would make me forget for a minute that i had his initial on my finger, that it meant so much more than just a simple tattoo. it didn't though, whenever i did the simplest things during the day, i would find myself looking at it.

today i was sat down in front of my piano, not practicing, but trying to come up with something. i used to love composing songs, but i lost interest when i started working. the best idea was to work with songs that were already composed, the classic ones. besides, mine were just to fill time when i had nothing else to do.

i was doing okay when my phone rang, making me groan and get up to answer it. "hi, miss martis." it was the doorman. after all of this mess, i told him to not let anyone in, not even matt or zac, without calling me first. "there's two girls here, erin and carly, they wanted to see you."

i frowned. "uh... yeah, let them in." he thanked me and hung up. it was weird, they never came to visit me. they only came once, on my birthday because david asked them to. they didn't need to come here because all three of us used to be at david's place all the time.

sighing, i opened the door and waited for them to get to my floor. not even a minute later, carly and erin got out of the elevator, talking lowly to each other until they saw me, shutting up quickly. "hey." i greeted them with an awkward wave giving space for them to enter.