I'm Not Sorry - Trixya

- 14 -

I'm so sorry. x
If anyone needs me please please message me. I reply quicker on snapchat @ iam_324b21 stay safe kittens
This is the last chapter. There will not be an alternative ending. Just making sure that is clear.

Trixies POV

I watch as her motorbike flys away into the distance. "Fuck!" I yell as I wipe my tears away and run to my VW. The day started so perfectly. But then Katya let out her insecurities and it must have been too much for her today because now she's running off, thoughts and voices obviously clouding her mind.

I turn the keys in the ignition, making the car rumble for a moment before shuddering to a standstill. "Not today. FUCK YOU. PIECE OF SHIT!" I yell out as I try over and over to start the car before it finally rumbles to life. I pull out into the street and break multiple road rules as I rush to the city.

I could never live without her. I have saved her once but I don't think I can do it again. Fuck.

I sob hysterically as I cut cars off and weave between lanes. A journey that usually takes me forty minutes takes twenty. I jump out of my car not bothering to get a parking ticket and sprint towards her building, nearly getting hit by a tram. The ride up the elevator is irritatingly long.

As it gets closer and closer to the top rime slows down. My movements feel sluggish and my heart feels heavy. The numbers go by slower and slower making my brain go into overdrive. I slam my hand on the door and yell profanities as I wait for it to reach the top.

I run out of the elevator as fast as my body let's me and up the roof access stairs as I hear a pained scream. I jump the stairs by twos before bursting through the door. That's when I see her.

"KATYA!" I scream out as I see her shuddering in a ball. I race over and kneel right beside her, putting my hand on her back, rubbing slow circles.

"Katya baby please I'm here now." I murmur softly hoping she can hear me. I have no idea what's happening because I've never seen her like this. Something is different this time. As the next thought reaches my brain I feel sick.

It feels like the end.

I pull her up and close my body making her body melt into mine. Her head lifts up a little and I smile softly at her but her expression is blank. "That's it baby I'm here." She crys as her face changes to hold a pained look. I frown softly at the change of expression.

"T-trixie. I love you so much." She says making me pull her back in closer. I rock her softly side to side as I start to feel tears roll down my cheeks again. She starts pushing herself up, reassuring me that she can do it.

I push myself back into a hug, my face in her neck as I let myself sob. "I was so worried." I sniffle as she rubs my back.

"I know. I'm sorry...." She trails off as she hugs me tightly. She switches to a softer, quiter tone that I have to listen to for a bit longer to understand what she is saying. "I promise I love you so much doll. I'll miss you but I'm not sorry. Goodbye. Look away." Suddenly I'm pushed back as I register what she said.

Katya has run up to the edge and I follow until she steps on the ledge. "No, no Katya!" I yell out pulling at my hair, distressed. "Get down please baby." My tears flow freely yet again. "I love you so much. Please." I plead taking a few more steps.

Katya look at me dead in the eyes. "Trixie. Close. Your. Eyes. Look away." She warns. I swallow thickly but do as she says as I cry hysterically. "I love you too"

Just as she falls back I run forwards and grab her. She ends up back on the grass with some effort before she stands up again and glares at me. "Why Trixie. Can't you see that I can't fucking do this." She yells punching a nearby panel.

"L-let me explain. I can't live without you and I live you so much. I would have jumped off straight after you anyway. B-but I want you.. No. Katya. I fucking need you with me when I do. So if I can't change your mind... We...... Go down together." I say through my hysterics.

She looks at me shocked. "You're actually letting me do this but only if you come with me?" She asks and I nod. She walks ups to me and kisses me harshly. "And you're sure?" She holds my face studying it.

"Y-yes B-but I'm scared." I whimper looking out at the lights.

Damn. They are pretty.

"Okay. Let's go then. I can't afford to chicken out. It'll make life worse for both of us." She says and leads me up onto the ledge. My chest is tight and I'm shaking in the strong wind.

Her hand touches my cheek softly. "Trixie Mattel. Thank you. For being a goddess. For being mine. For loving me." Katya says before pressing a soft loving kiss to my lips.

"Kats. I love you so much. You were all I had. And I don't know what life would have been like without you." I whimper pathetically as tears keep flowing. She presses another soft kiss to my lips. We hold each other close and kiss for just a minute longer before I pull back. "Okay to go?" I ask and she laughs through tears before we let ourselves fall off of the ledge.

All of my insides float up as the air hits me so hard it hurts. I just hold onto Katya hoping that it's quick. My life was horrible before I met her. From an outsiders view it might look like she made me worse but ultimately she made me better.

She brought me things I'd never had. Love. Acceptance. Appreciation. Support. Sexual experiences.

It feels like I'm flying. I feel free. At last.

I feel her lips on mine as we get closer. They're still soft like out first kiss in school. I wish that our brains weren't this way. I wish they had a do option. Not just die. Mental illness can suck my fucking dick and die in a hole.

Calm down. You're free now.

"I LOVE YOU!" I shout before she shouts it back. I'm happy that's the last thing I'll ever hear. My baby's sweet voice. Sweeter than oh hon-

Fin