Blended Family

Pippa

I thought I was through the panic and the nightmares but I wasn't.  I'm not sure what triggered them again, but I was now having nightmares every night.  Luckily it hadn't woken up the kids.  It woke up Lin, though, and he could tell something was horribly wrong.

I hadn't told hardly anyone about my attack last year.  It had happened after a night out with my friends.  I took the subway home and this guy grabbed me in the stairs on the way up.  Pulled me away into an alley and assaulted me.  He was planning on raping me, but luckily a passerby spotted us.  He ran and he'd never been caught.  It had been dark and so fast that I couldn't remember much.  He was white with long hair and a beard.  That's about all I knew.  And his eyes.  They were piercing.

I'd gone to counseling for months and had greatly improved.  I thought I was past it.  Then a few nights ago the nightmares started again.  It was a replay of the attack.  I'd wake up screaming and sweating.

Lin was being so sweet and comforting but his presence right after the nightmare could also be unsettling at first.  In my dream I was being attacked by a man and there was Lin moments later.  I knew I had nothing to fear with Lin but my brain sometimes went there anyway.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could go without telling him.  It seemed unfair that he was being woken up nightly by me and had no idea why.  He didn't push me to talk but I knew he was there if I needed it.  Elliott had no idea I'd been attacked and I was grateful that he seemed to sleep through it.  Kid slept like a log.

One night, Lin made the mistake of grasping my wrist in the process of trying to wake me up.  My attacker had done that.  Out of instinct, I punched Lin right in the nose.  His hands flew to his face in pain.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed, putting my hands on his shoulders.  "I'm so sorry!"

"I'm fine," he said nasally, reaching for the tissues next to my bed.  He was bleeding a little bit and I felt awful.

"Let me get you some ice," I told him, throwing off my covers.  I padded to the kitchen and filled up a little baggy with ice.  He thanked me as I passed him the bag and he pressed it to his nose.  I saw him glance at me and realized I was still only in my little tank top and boy shorts I usually slept in.  I quickly covered up with my sheets as I tried to look at his nose.

"I am soooo sorry," I told him again.

"Don't worry," he told me.  "I must have scared you."

"My wrist..." I told him, then paused.  Did I really want to do this?  He waited patiently for me to continue.  "A man grabbed me in the subway.  He attacked me."

His eyebrows were furrowed with concern; pity.  He gently took my hand between both of his.  "Oh, Pippa..."

"I was fine for a long time, but now the nightmares are back.  I don't know what set me off," I told him.  It felt oddly relieving to share this with him.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you," he told me, rubbing at the back of my hand gently.  "Did they catch the guy?"

"No," I let out a little sob.  "That's the hardest part.  I don't know who he is.  I could pass him on the street and not know."

The thought of it sent me into tears again.  I covered my face, not wanting him to see me like this.  I felt his arms around me and I just cried into his shoulder as he rubbed at my back.  He made me feel safe I realized.  He just waited patiently as I began to calm back down, then grabbed the glass of water again.

"Here," he said quietly.  "Finish this."

I finished off the water and began to lay back down.  He pulled up my covers and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.  "Sleep tight.  If you need me I'm right down the hall."