Shape of me✔️

No better

        ~~S H A P E O F M E~~
I had to tell her. No amount of self-forgiveness, self-assurance or self-justification could cleanse me from the stain that made me feel like I had a dirty big secret every time I looked or tried to look Mami in the face. It was hard to meet her eyes each time I talked to her and although it shouldn't make much sense, I somehow knew she noticed; she noticed but chose not to say anything.

This was one of the motivating factors that pushed me to pull open her room door and spill the few words that were foremost on my mind before I lost all courage to find them out.

"Mami we need to talk." I said to the woman whom I shared the same diamond shaped face, narrow bridged nose and full lips with. Most of the time, we were mistaken for sisters as a result of our striking resemblance. Our faces were almost identical except that hers had lines that had been weathered by the storms of life while mine remained naive, touched with only the plague of skin breakouts.

I found my body trembling as I took in her straight back and taut shoulders while she sat on the chair next to her dresser. Her room was the only one in the house with an actual dresser and mirror which had both been my source of envy for a long time. Now, it didn't seem to matter anymore.

Before Mami turned to me, I noticed she hadn't been doing her makeup or anything else. She had been quiet and alone which only meant one thing. What was she thinking about this time?

It took some time, but she finally graced the room with her rich, medium toned voice like mine. "I know." She said softly and I choked on my own breath, struggling to draw in fresh air. The confidence I had managed to gather rushed out like air escaping from a leaking balloon. I felt empty and exposed. So much for my mountain of courage.

"You know?" By this time, my voice was barely audible. It felt like my voice box had chosen to fail and go into sudden retirement without my permission.

"Yes. I know. Let's talk Tope. Tell me all you want to and I'll also tell you mine because I have a lot to get off my chest." She said and I nodded while taking perch on the edge of her bed, safely far away from her(just in case her hand decided to try to strike me upside down out of habit).

I took in a deep cleansing breath, steadying my shaky hands and readying my legs to run out of arms reach. "Mami I'm not a virgin." I blurted out while refusing to think twice about my words.

"I know."

"W...what?" I sputtered once again, stunned into surprise by my mother. It seemed like her goal was to shock me deep into silence and so far her plan was working.

"I know Tope." She said again, wiping her hands on thick thighs that were covered in jean trousers. I noticed then again–without paying much attention–how similar we were.

"You know?"

"Why do you think I invited him to the house that day?"

"I thought you just wanted to threaten the both of us."

"Yes that was a reason, but I also wanted to know who you had given it to. I assumed you were no longer a virgin long before then. I just needed to see him."

"I was still a virgin then, but I lost it on that same day." I whimpered.

"That means I was right."

"You sound like a white mum." I wrinkled my nose in disbelief at Mami's reaction to her dis-virgined daughter. It was almost unbelievable that my skin had remained untouched even after all the rubbish that had spewed out of my mouth in a rushed waterfall.