poetry

this one took me a while to write (oh, how you broke me)

when you left
i tried to write down how i felt.
i thought poetry would help me

but what i wrote was not poetry

it was ugly and fragmented
the lines were jumbled and broken
which i've now realised was how i felt -
my heart was messy for the first time

every heartbreak i've written about before this has been so empty.

even now my body aches
thinking of you still pains me
every part of me is screaming to stop writing
before my body deflates and i can no longer feel anything at all

i tried to replace you
but no one can fit the hole in my heart
that you tore open so casually

everyone i've spoken to since tires me
i compare them all to you
silly me, they don't even compare

what was once vibrant is now diluted
you drained me.

if you messaged me now
i would probably forgive you
like a stupid little girl.
i know now that i wouldn't even try to stop myself
i'm not the strong person i thought i was

love made me realise how weak i really am.

this poem is still messy and ugly
but there's no other way to write it.
i felt a clean rhyming poem
with even stanzas and a perfect flow
would not fit my feelings for you

it would not fit the big puddle of blood and guts and tears
that surround my wounded body
from where you tore out my heart.

emotions are not clean
i know that now

things are painful and sad
and i don't like myself
for wanting you

i must look so silly

wanting someone who told me
i didn't exist as a person to them
just a thing

wanting someone who said
they'd never cared about me at all

but i can't help it.
despite it all

i s t i l l d o .