Diary of a Schizophrenic (Maddening Series: Book 1)

July 11, 2011: Monday

A/N: "Truth is just a state of mind."

July 11, 2011: Monday

2:08 PM

Dear Diary,

Mom’s taking the rest of the month off to help me settle back in. I don’t know what to do with her. She made me breakfast this morning. I had some pancakes. I went to the bathroom afterwards, sat on the toilet, and just waited. Waited for... thoughts, I guess? Thoughts on what I should do.

It’s hard to think. Pills are hard to swallow. Food is hard to eat. Life is hard to live.

Being Jackie is hard. I don’t want to be me anymore. I want something better? Just a little better. It’s all I need, I think. No, that’s a lie. Nothing will ever be enough. It’s just the way I am. I hate myself. I hate the person I am. I want to think that it’ll change, but I can’t.

I’m just plain miserable. And when I’m miserable, I just want to think of more things that’ll make me more miserable, so I’ll stay miserable. I want to destroy my rays of happiness. I want to be able to pity myself. I’m pretty pathetic, aren’t I?

But how can I be the only who feels this way? How am I the only one who’s gone through this? I can’t be the only, can I? I wish I could find someone who at least understands. Just someone who won’t judge me. Maybe a friend is all I’m looking for. But truth be told, I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore.

I don’t want to be miserable! But I am. Goodness, pills would be nice. It’d hide the true reality from me. It’d become my new truth.

But the truth is hard to swallow.

Love,

Jackie