Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

12| I Promise

Corey

After having a pretty successful circus trip we finish it out in LA. And while the city was one of my favorites, I didn't really feel like hitting the town tonight. A lot of the guys all decide to go out in their last night away from Chicago before they go back to their lives and I mess around by myself in my hotel room. It's not like I don't like the guys, it's just that the type of relationship I have with them is pretty loose. We don't always have to be together, but when we can have a good time and make some good memories. It was a healthy relationships, I promise.

As I lay in my bed I sit there and toss a tennis ball up and down. I look over to my clock and see it was almost midnight. I wouldn't start tomorrow since I played tonight so I had the day off. No routines or anything like that was allowing me to stay up for as long as I wanted.

And as my mind starts to wander, it goes to one place. A place so pretty and so calm that I never wanted to leave. That place would be the thought of Jessica. The concept of her was so troubling for me. I liked her, a lot, and I knew she liked me too. But simply liking each other isn't enough for us to be together and that was a weird concept to me. I've been with girls I didn't really like and I finally like one and we can't be together, that seems backwards. I never knew that attraction wasn't enough for two people to be together. I never knew that I could want someone so bad and know that I can't have her. I respect what she's trying to do here and just as hockey is my job this is hers. But I hate that I can't have the one thing in this world that I want most, and that's her in my arms.

After a lot of thinking I come up with the terrible idea to go see her. I dragged her on this road trip, so the least I could do was go hang out with her. So I find her hotel room and knock on the door. It takes a little while but she eventually opens it up and I feel all the air get stuck in my throat. A smile comes up on my face when I see her in her sleep wear which wasn't much. I've never seen her not in business clothes or a nice pair of jeans. She has always been professional and always showed off her great body in different ways. She actually had some really nice legs now that I can see them, and this is the most of them I've ever seen them.

"Hey Corey, how can I help you" she asks and I shake my head of all the thoughts I had that I shouldn't have.

"I was just bored and couldn't get to sleep, I was wondering if you wanted some company for a little while" I shrug.

"I could use some" she smiles and I smile back at her. She welcomes me in and I look around. Her room was a lot like mine but she was a lot less messy than I was. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"What do you have" I wonder.

"Some tea, water and hot chocolate" she says.

"Hot chocolate sounds great" I admit. Even if we were in LA I could use some hot chocolate.

She pours us both a cup before we sit down on the couch. She turns the tv on so it's not deafening awkward silence and she turns back to me.

"So why are you really here" she wonders and I laugh.

"I love being around you. You're like... my favorite person ever" I admit.

"Like" she teases as I laugh along with her.

"You defiantly are" I insist.

"I'm pretty fond of you myself" she claims.

"So you keep saying. I just wish we had something to show for it" I sigh.

"A connection between two people isn't shown with a kiss or a ring on a finger. It's a feeling. It's feeling like there's seven billion people in this world and somehow I think this one was made for me. It's feeling your heart beat faster when you think about that one person you always want to be with, and how that feeling never stops even whenever they are near. It's feeling like there is so much wrong in your life and being with that one person makes it feel alright" she says.

"Have you fallen in love before" I ask.

"Only once" she admits.

"I say that's hard to believe. Everyone I know loves you" I insist.

"That's not love. That's admiration, they love the idea of me. They love what I do and how I make them feel. They love what I can do for them. They don't love me" she claims.

"I..." I start before I realize that finishing that sentence would ruin everything that we have built up together. "I think you're amazing" I say softly and she smiles.

"Thanks. That means a lot coming from you" she insists.

"My words don't weigh as much as they should" I say.

"Well you're the one who adds the weight, give your words a heavier meaning. Make people feel the weight bearing down on them when you speak to them. You have the power to think, speak, then act. But first you must think, you must believe that your words mean something to you, then they'll mean something to everyone else" she explains.

"I'm not like you. People don't beg for my advice or even listen. I'm kinda just...here" I shrug.

"You're right here Corey. And I'm listening" she says and I freeze. I hate when she does that, make it seem like we can have this thing that we can't. I don't want to lose her as my life coach but I don't want to lose a moment with her as someone who is more than a life coach either. It's such a grey area and I'm lost in it. I have no idea where I'm going when it comes to her and it sucks.

I feel her touch my face as I snap out of my trance. She wipes away a tear that I didn't even know was there.

"Why are you crying" she whispers.

"Because I don't want to lose you. Ever" I admit.

"I'm right here" she says.

"But I feel like you're so far away. That we are so far away from what I want us to be" I explain.

"I promise that everything will turn out right in the end. It might not feel like it now or even in the near future. But you'll be on top of this mountain one day, and I'll be right there with you" she insists and I smile.

"You promise you're not going to leave me" I ask.

"I promise."