Love On the Brain (Corey Crawford)

8| Never Enough

Corey

"What's one thing you wish people knew about you" Jess asks as we sit in a booth Chicago Cut. We had to wait until after tonight's game to have a meeting but she's been really good with working with my crazy schedule and making sure she's there for me. As for tonight I insisted that I bought her dinner to thank her for being so cooperative and I made sure that it would just be her and I. Chicago Cut was good at making us feel welcomed and giving the players privacy so I liked coming here.

"I don't know, I'm pretty open with everything, even my issues. I mean I don't go into details but there's no secret I've had my share of issues" I admit.

"I can see that, but I can tell that you still feel misunderstood. So what's something that you think is important that you wish people knew about you. If you could tell everyone something and they had to listen... what would it be" she wonders. I take a few seconds to think about it before letting out a long sigh.

"Just that I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be what everyone needs me to be. I want to be a good son, a good brother, a good goalie and just a good person. My whole life I have been working on my profession and who I am and sometimes it feels like it's not enough. But I want it to be enough, I want to feel like I'm enough" I sigh.

Jessica reaches her hand across the table and softly puts hers on top of mine. She squeezes it and I have to admit it made me feel better. Her touch was so warm and inviting, it made me feel so safe.

"You're enough, Corey. You're more than enough. What you can do is incredible, you have superhuman capabilities and you should feel blessed, not like your skills are shackles held by other people that they use to control you. Who you are and what you can do is more than most people should ever ask for, there's little goalies out there in the world who say that they want to be like you one day. And as long as you know that you're doing your best, that's the important part, because once you know your worth it'll be hard to be around people who don't.

You can hold the world in your hands and give it to the people and they'll still ask you for more. Nothing will ever be enough for them, they take and take and will never be satisfied until you give them your all and all the sudden you're nothing. But you're better than that, you won't let people walk all over you and you shouldn't. For the people who care, you're enough, and thats what matters" she explains.

"Are you... are you one of those people" I stutter and she smiles.

"I am. I've had the chance to get to know who the real you is and I think that is a great person" she claims and I smile. That made my heart melt.

"Well I'm happy you understand me, not a lot of people do" I admit.

"That's really unfortunate for them" she smirks.

"You know, sometimes I kinda just want to get away from it all for a little. Part of the reason the organization wanted me to get help is because I wanted to run away from my problems and my feet always led me to the bottom of a bottle or medicine container. With no real relationships or ties it would be easy for me to just go away for a little while and not care about who I hurt. I'm so many things to so many people and sometimes I just want to be... me. I want to be away from it all and be free. It's hard to be all those things people expect from me, sometimes I just want it all to stop. Sometimes I don't want to be a brother or son or goalie or a friend, I just want to be a dude who likes going to concerts and eating hamburgers the size of my head. Sometimes I want to go home and just be with my family" I shrug.

"Don't feel bad, everyone gets like that. When you're young they never tell you what it's like to play the role you're forced to play like a friend or a part of a team or a son. We don't chose our destinies, they're handed to us and we have to play our parts whether we like them or not. And it's not like we can just stop existing, we always have to be what was given to us. But it would be nice not to have to be that, even for a little" she sighs.

"Do you sometimes feel like your gift is a burden too" I ask.

"Gift? I don't have a gift" she giggles.

"There's over seven billion brains in this world and you have one of the best. I would call that having a gift" I insist and she smiles.

"I don't know if I would call it that, but having a brain like mine has its ups and downs" she admits.

"Can you ever turn it off" I wonder.

"Never" she laughs.

"I guess not everyone's perfect then" I tease.

"I'm not even close to being perfect" she scoffs.

"You kinda are" I smile.

"Not at all" she claims.

"The closest anyone will ever be" I insist.

We finish up a great meal and I reluctantly say goodbye to her. I head back to my apartment and throw my things inside the door. I let out a loud sigh pass my lips as I look around. I wanted to go to sleep but my brain was wide awake and there was no way that I would be able to lay down right now and go to sleep. So I sit on the couch and turn on the tv. I watch highlights from the games which are always entertaining. We have our own entertainment within the team with Kaner and Breadman doing unreal stuff, and I get a front row seat.

But what you never see in the news is what I do out there. Sure, I don't care for the attention, but I do believe in giving respect where respect is due. I've won two rings in three seasons and I never get talked about, yet Quick and Lundquivst and Fleury get name dropped every night and they have a combined three rings over combined decades of hockey.

It's like what I told Jessica. I just want people to know that I'm trying. I'm not asking for a trophy, just for people to know that everything I've done is more than enough to be recognized for what I did and like she said, I can give these people the world and it would never be enough.