Warmth

Lack

Lack. Lack was all I felt I had.

I was drowning deep underwater.

There was a large amount of dread that struck through me right before the hollow in my stomach caved in around me. A hole in my fucking chest ate at my soul until I was too empty. I had no feelings other than self-loathing & pity. Flashed a fake smile to mask it all.

But deep down I was drowning in sorrow.

Every second the clock ticked, my movements became in vain as I tried to scream for someone to somehow find me. Screaming was pointless. Water muffled my terrified & desperate screams. And, the more I tried to call for help, the more water I swallowed. No matter how much I struggled, I couldn't pull myself up out of there. The more I struggled the more I sank. Emptiness had weakened me far too much to struggle. Emptiness filled with water weighed me down so much that I sank deeper & deeper. Maybe it was the darkness that swallowed me... the tar pit. It really wasn't that. The pit was dark & yes, it did drag any animal & organism down, but it wasn't what was causing me ache.

Water did fill my lungs, but I still felt hollow. No matter what I did, nothing filled me. And, that was what was drowning me. The water trying to fill me & pull me back up was the one pushing me down. It was what drowned me. It was cold, so it made me numb. It was hot to the extent that I burned. I guess I was numb from it all, but deep down I was burning. I could just burst into flames at any moment, exasperated by all of my struggles. I was at my breaking point.

Those were all things I couldn't say.

That no matter how much that sweet, sweet, Stephen tried to complete & build me up, I still felt something was missing. So he tried to fill in for whatever was missing, but instead he was only making me miss whatever it was more. I didn't really understand what it was that I needed so much. One thing clear was that it was unfair. It was unfair for Stephen to be doing all of this while I wasn't satisfied or thankful enough. It was unfair how Stephen loved me wholeheartedly & I wasn't returning the favor.

I was supposed to talking to Zim whom I hadn't seen for over a year. In fact, I was supposed to go shopping with both Stephen & Zim this afternoon, but I declined due to not feeling well. It wasn't a lie or anything. It was half the truth. In all honesty, I just wanted to stay at home alone. Some time to think. Some time to breathe. We'd been friends for a while & I just blew him off. But, that didn't really matter. Pogo could keep him company. I probably came off rude because they probably already knew that I was well. Both men just wanted to make me feel comfortable.

But who would keep me company?

Nothing but a fetus & myself. Me who I dreaded so much that I actually want to tear myself apart to get away from me. To be set free... & maybe even find what made me so miserable to complete myself. There was nothing that I didn't have. There was nothing I needed.

A big, tired breath escaped through my thick lips as I sauntered back up the stairs of Pogo's house. Back in Hell, said the first thought that flashed in my mind. I set the pictures & notebooks I had gathered down on our bed then plopped down with my limps sprawled out. Even my braided hair was messily scattered around the bed. Big brown eyes examined the images before me. All of them had either Brian & I or the whole band/family. There were some pictures of Brian & I in the tour bus cuddling, holiday pictures, band meetings, or simple just hangjng around some place. I smiled at the pictures as I arranged them neatly on the bed.

My hand subconsciously dug out the letter Brian had written before he left. I didn't know why I brought it here or why I even bothered to fish it out of my pockets. I just did it.