Warmth

Pregnancy Tests

Three weeks later...

I heaved up the remaining contents of my stomach; the nachos I'd been craving. This had been pretty frequent. Throughout several days, I'd find myself rushing to the bathroom. I gagged again, but nothing came out. I coughed & choked until my body finally decided I'd had enough . I stood up slightly straighter, though I was still hunched over. I lingered over the sink for a moment... just staring at the mess I'd made. Clumps of nacho cheese, beef, & nacho chips I found somewhat appetizing sat on the bowl of the sink. They'd sure clog it once I'd washed them down the drain. My hands had a death-grip on the counter's edges for support. Nausea washed over me & I felt like I was about to cough up the remaining contents in my stomach, acid. I'd been having cravings, vomiting, & mood swings days after our intercourse. What if I was pregnant? In no way was that possible! The last time I checked I have balls. Unless I was a hermaphrodite... which I doubted.

I brought a shaky hand up to my mouth & wiped my spit. I drew in a ragged breath & exhaled loudly. I'd check to see if I was later on, I thought. I stumbled back into our room, using the walls for support. I lacked energy from all that vomiting. I collapsed onto the unmade bed then onto my side. It still reeked of sweat & other substances. But nonetheless pleasant. It was a reminder of what we did there. What we used to do. What we may never do... I sighed, rolling onto my back. I grabbed the note Brian left behind. An ordinary sheet of notebook paper that meant so much to me.

"I'm so sorry I had to leave you Jeordie. Though I never said it, I love you in every way. Your flaws, your personality... everything. I'll be back. I promise. It won't be soon, but I'll be back. We'll be a happy [blurry]. All the love I never showed you will be yours. I love you, Jeordie. So make sure to take care of yourself [blurry]. I have everything set up. We'll have a house [scribbled.] The house will be full of laughter. Love, even. Just make sure to take care of yourself. You'll be at your happiest then. Just wait.

Love,

Brian."

I cradled the paper in my arms, possibly wrinkling it. The paper smelled of Brian & ink... but mostly ink. My fingers traced the beautiful letters engraved in blue ink. Just knowing that Brian touched this very piece of paper made me sane, however cliche that was. I'd been doing this routinely. I knew all the words & where some were taken out. How it was written, how it smelled like. But it all seemed clearer at that moment, as stupid as that sounds. There was a slot below the letter that once carried a credit card. I haven't used it yet so that it wouldn't waste easily. Who knew how long Brian would've been gone? I opened the bedside drawer & pulled out the navy blue MasterCard. I was running low on edible food, could use a trip to the grocery. Realizing that I hadn't taken a shower for three days, I placed the card back into the drawer. I wanted to be pleasant-looking & presentable even in this inadequate state.

I stood up & gathered fresh clothing. My arms hoisted themselves up as my dress slid upwards off myself. I tugged, feeling the collar stuck by my chin. UGH! I tried pulling the shirt back down, but it hurt a little & wouldn't budge at all. Groaning, I tugged the damned dress upward. The dress came off with a slight ripping sound. After a few moments of examining the dress for rips, I crumpled it & threw it onto the floor.

"Idiot," I mumbled to myself, "can't you do anything right? No wonder why Brian left you."

My feet dragged themselves lazily across the floor toward the bathroom. Even from a good distance, I could smell the stench of my own slightly digested meals. The sour smell grew stronger with each painstaking step. A strong force still tried to reel me back down on my bed. Fuck, I could've stayed there forever & simply decay. Or maybe I was decomposing right then & there. But I didn't want to. Instead, I dragged my heavy yet weightless body to the bathroom. It smelt like a decomposing body, what I might've smelt like if I hadn't stood up from that bed.