Warmth

Memories

My hand pushed open our front door. The cool summer breeze blew on my face almost instantly. My dreads flew softly around me. I smiled. Fuck, it's been a while since I'd gone out. I missed this. I locked the door before crossing the street to where my car was parked. I climbed in the black sedan, sat on her beautiful leather seat then turned on the AC. I started her. The engine roared to life & several knobs & buttons on the radio glowed electric blue. Somehow I felt like she had missed me. I smiled to myself. Jeordie, you are silly! She can't possibly miss me. But I missed her, I thought as I pulled out of my parking space. Where I was going... leave it up to my soul. I knew. How cliche of me to "Leave it up to my soul," to take me wherever the fuck it is that I wanted. But that's exactly what I felt at the time. I had no clue where or why I was going. I just left it up to my soul, driving freely. Let my windows down & my dark sunglasses on. Let the wind softly blow my dreadlocks everywhere.

I looked up into the morning sun. It glowed with pink on its rays like the very tip of the tongue on a flame. Heavily tinted windows allowed me to see its beauty. Shit, I remember Manson & I staring up at the sun... gazing at the beautiful sunset. I missed that. How when the sun set & night fell, the sky was tucked into the sheets made of many twinkling glitters, we held hands. We were conjoined; a team that was inseparable. If one goes, so does the other. Well, for that moment maybe. And for that beautiful moment we were together as one being. One team. One inseparable team. We were just so vulnerable at the time... promising each other things that we knew we couldn't keep.

"Together as one against all others for always."

What a joke! Manson had to be high at the time to say something like that. He wasn't one to promise. I saw why... he just never keeps them. He lied to me. We weren't "For always." We were just together for that moment. That beautiful, beautiful, moment. The more I thought about it, the more I missed it. The more I missed him.

Whoah, in no way did you just say that. You had Stephen, Jeordie. That one that gave you everything you needed. A home. A home was always what you wanted. A home was what you needed. And a home is what Stephen provided you with. He didn't fuck you daily. He didn't mistreat you. He wasn't after sex at all. He wasn't Brian.

He wasn't Brian who had a kind heart. He wasn't Brian who was very promising. He wasn't Brian who gave you hope. He wasn't Brian who gave you something to be alive for. He wasn't Brian who filled you.

Stephen wasn't Manson who fulfilled every one of your carnal desires. He wasn't Manson who gave you what you needed. He wasn't Manson you abused you. He wasn't the person you were on your knees for. You did not beg for him.

Maybe Stephen did want to treat me like Manson did. Who knew? On the first night he fucked me hard & roughly. That was probably the foundation of our relationship if our baby never was made. Stephen did start our relationship with sex. Meaning, that would be the only reason why we were together. Sex started us. It'll be the one to part us as well, I though.

The baby soon to be born, even with the home he provided for me & the family we were going to build. Still, Pogo just wasn't enough for me. No matter how much love or how much hate he shows me, he'll never EVER be enough for me. Manson & Brian were my one & only. Where was he? I asked myself all of these stupid & unreasonable questions, only to wind up in square one then asking the same things again.

More & more damaged houses came into view. Each identical box had some kind of damage; some were mildly cracked while the others were reduced to ruble. I remembered that place. We always grove by these same houses on our way home. Yeah, home. It was a real home. Not a house... a home. God, I missed seeing these houses. Though most are unremarkable, I still missed them in a way. They were lively & colorful. Filled with flowers & green grass. When fall came, giant piles of golden leaves littered the neighborhood. I missed the smell of every season & the joys that they brought. The beautiful, beautiful memories. I smiled as memories started taking over my thoughts.