Warmth

A New Beginning Within Sunrises

Twiggy's P.O.V.

Hours away from our child turned to a day. A day turned to a week. Weeks turn to months. And now it was exactly a year since we lost our child.

I think we both gave up. On the seventh month with no leads (other than the fact that Pogo's house was void of any furniture & on his front yard was a for sale sign), that was when we lost hope completely. Deep down in our minds, we knew she was lost the moment we walked away from her. Still, we hoped we could still claim her back one day & that everything would be as planned. We would be a big, happy, family & the house that Brian worked so hard & sacrificed so much for would be useful. We were naive.

I think we knew now that we'd never find her or Pogo & we should just learn to accept it. It hurt, but we had to move on. I guess the two of them together would be okay.

But I don't know. I thought I was okay with him, but he wound up holding us at gun point. Pogo did threaten to shoot Annabelle. Maybe what I saw in him was all stages & he could be hurting her at this very moment. The thought of it makes me cringe.

No matter which angle I see it from, I forever despise Pogo for taking my baby away! He ruined everything Brian & I would have had for the future. Pogo destroyed our lives, including our baby's. She's an adopted kid now & maybe she'd be fed lies about her biological parents.

Fuck, I remembered when I found out my stepdad wasn't really my dad. The sad thing was, I found that out when he left. I was really really young then & I thought I felt cheated on because I thought he was my real father. I felt pretty lied to & I was confused. Who was my father? Not even my mother had the answer to it, I discovered that when I was in my teens. I wanted to know more about my roots, who my father was, & maybe I would know who I was, too. I realized the hard way that you didn't need your roots to define who you are. My baby would have to feel the same thing, except double the pain. She won't have a single clue as to who her true parents were & maybe she would feel bad. Maybe she would be happy with whatever Pogo had to offer, if he did keep her. If she were with him, Pogo could tell her all sorts of things: we threw her away, we didn't want her, etc. That was everything we would never do. Brian & I loved her, in the short time we had her. We still love her.

I still hoped she would be with Pogo, no matter how much I hated him. She knew him, she recognizes him as Daddy. Besides, he was way better than orphanage that gives kids away to dysfunctional families/people that were strangers. She would feel like she was unwanted. What was she doing in such a horrible institution where kids were thrown into? Maybe she'd feel lost like I did, or even feel as though she was just thrown away. Whatever she feels, I want her to get over it & be happy.

What we did that fateful night was for her own good. Anna's well being was all that we could ever want for her. Pogo could have killed her or Brian. I would lose my lover, again, but this time permanently. If that happened, I would be stuck with an abusive man. There was a chance that he could have turned back to his sweet self, but I would feel choked up & trapped. I wouldn't feel the same way I did before, it would be an even emptier love. The atmosphere between us would be cold & maybe even abusive. Pogo would never hurt her though. He couldn't do that, specially with his mindset. Annabelle was practically his own. But he would still hurt me. I knew that. And, if he hurt my baby, he'd have to go through me. And I'd be left with a huge void in my soul that only Brian would be able to fill.

And if it wasn't Brian that Pogo would shoot down, it would be the baby. So, she could die, or she could be unharmed & everyone walks away unharmed. We chose the latter. Our daughter deserved a future. It may be shitty but not everything turns out that way. And if there were no ups & downs in life, she'd be dead. She could get through it & live her life to the fullest, make better decisions than we did. Brian & I wanted her to prosper in life instead of her precious life be cut short at such an early age. We made the right choice, backing away.