ᴍʏ ᴍᴏᴍ ɪs ᴡʜᴏ? ✔︎

A Little Help From Moms

 

| Cody |

"Yes...Okay, thanks."

I hang up the phone, ending my 30 minute call with Dr. Morris. I wasn't completely honest with her about my drug use when we first met. How could I have been honest with her when I wasn't being honest with myself?

The truth is, I'm addicted, and bad.

Maybe a few months ago, when it wasn't as noticeable to everyone else as it is now, it would have been easier to deny, to everyone and myself.

Maybe a few months ago I would have seriously lashed out at Alex, if I knew her, and Hope. Her tough love routine seriously pissed me off, it's still annoying me, I can't lie, but I believe it's something I needed to hear in order to break through the wall I was hiding behind. I told myself I could quit whenever I wanted. Part of me still believes it. Part of me doesn't. If I could quit, I would have a long time ago, but I didn't. I love the feeling I get from the pills, from the mixture of them with alcohol. I love the numb feeling they induce in my system, where I don't feel the pain - physical or emotional - of all the bullshit I've had to endure, from living with the Dennings to finding out who my mom is, and all the crap that comes along with it.

I can't tell my mom that her actually being my mom is part of the reason I still use. Because it would obviously hurt her feelings but mostly it's because I'm not even sure if that's true at all. Maybe it's just another excuse I use to pop pills. The only  solace I can take is that Jo hasn't found out about my addiction, she would have a field day with this, and so would the press.

For the first time in over a year, I need to get clean. I want to get clean. I don't want to disappoint my best friend, my mom or Hope, who showed in her own way that she really cares about me.

I'm so lost in my own racing thoughts that I don't hear the knock on the door, unaware that someone is trying to get my attention until my door opens and in walks my favorite duo, Ali and Ashlyn.

"Hey kiddo, can we talk to you?" Ash asks, and I nod rather pathetically.

Both walk over to me as I stand at my desk near my window, and I'm wrapped up in a tight hug, squished between Krashlyn. They don't let go for what feels like 10 minutes, and I'm loving it.

"You know, don't you?" I ask, not aiming the question at a specific woman, but they both answer me with 'yes'. My shoulders slump as I begin to feel increasingly ashamed of my actions, and Ash notices as she guides me to my bed, making me sit as she takes a seat next to me, throwing an arm around my shoulder.

"I wasn't here when they confronted you, but I know they did it out of love, whatever they said to you was out of love and you need to hold on to that and remember that, okay?" She asks, but doesn't stop to let me answer her. "Addiction is rough, people think that you have to be an adult to become addicted to something - you don't. It can happen to anybody, trust me. It's not something you'll ever look back on with pride, but getting clean is something that can make you proud. It will make you stronger. Getting clean won't be easy in the slightest, I know that too, but it's definitely worth it. I'm not saying that you won't relapse, chances are you will, but it's how you get back up that matters. You're not alone kiddo, you have your mom who loves you so much, Jack, Hope and Kelley, Tobin, Ali and I, Jordyn who I just met." She nudges me, and I chuckle, already knowing what she thinks. "You have a huge support system to lean on and we'll all be here for you because we care about you, kiddo." She kisses my head, giving me a side hug, before she stands and leaves me alone with Ali.

Ali doesn't say anything for a few minutes, and in those few minutes I begin to feel like a failure all over again. Then she pulls me into her, hugging me so tightly I feel like I'm starting to suffocate.

"I love you, you know that right?" Ali asks me, and while I doubt it, I nod. I don't want to make her feel worse than my actions have already made her feel.

"Good, because I do. You may not biologically be mine but I'll always see you as my kid, Alex is lucky to have you. We're all lucky to know you, and I hope you know that everything Ashlyn said is true. She'll always be someone that will understand what you're going through. If you don't want to talk to one of us though, here, take this." She hands me a card with only a phone number on it.

"What's this?"

"It's my brothers number. He knows a lot about recovery and sobriety, his insights could help."

She kisses my forehead and leaves, and not a minute later my mom walks through the door. I get up and leave Kyle's number beside my phone, knowing I'll definitely be using that one day. I stand at my desk after turning to face Alex, her own body language mirroring mine. We're both on edge, slightly awkward. I can see the concern clear in her face.

"I'm sorry." She says, which confuses the heck out of me.

"What? No, mom. I'm sorry." I interrupt her, and I look to the ground as I choke on my words as I realize I'm about to openly admit my issues, thanks to Dr. Morris, Krashlyn and even my mom. "I'm a mess." Is all I manage to say before I break down, tears streaming down my face as my shoulders begin to shake and before I know it, I'm safe in my mom's arms. I wrap my own arms around her waist as I bury my face in the crook of her neck, soaking up the feeling of safety I get from my mom, not wanting her to move.

"Don't apologize." She finally says after twenty minutes of my crying into her shoulder, her shirt soaked but she doesn't care. "Just get better, okay baby? I want you around for as long as possible." I don't answer her, I know I don't need to. I feel Alex tighten her hold on me, she's scared to let me go and for once, I know why. 

"Are you still up for the trip to Cali? We can cancel if you're not..." Alex asks, and trails off towards the end, she still hasn't let me go. I think about it for a while, but the truth is I've always been curious about my family, even when I live with the Dennings, I never met any grandparents.

"I want to, I want to meet them." I tell my mom and hear her sigh in relief. "And Blue." I add in after a slight pause, and my mom finally chuckles.

"When are we leaving, mom?"

"In two days, make sure you pack everything you need." She kisses my head and leaves when she hears Kelley and Jack yelling at each other from downstairs. I smile as I realize nothing has to change with the people I'm close to. If they truly care about me then they'll stay, they'll be here for me, and that thought alone gives me comfort, gives me strength. In that moment, I know I can get over this.

I'm Cody Morgan.

I'm an addict.