Hey... so I wanted to tell you guys a bit about my life... well all of it.... when I was 6 my dad wanted to go back to where he was born, which is, Guatemala malacatan san marcos, a month and fifteen days later he was shot, it wasn't meant for him but he took it, my mom couldn't really get over it, and at that time we went to church, we went to a few churches... on one church I was sexually harassed, the priest.... touched me.... I didn't know that was bad, so I let it happen... it was as if my mom didn't care about me... so she would always leave me with my sisters who abused me. I don't know the reasons... my second oldest sister said she hit me because I treated her like my slave. My oldest sister hit me for unknown reasons. My mom just told her to hit me so I could learn not to do those things. After a year of torture my mom sent me back home, the usa. There my grandma and aunt had my full custody. While on the plane, I was also sexually harassed. I still didn't know what it was, but I do know that I felt uncomfortable so I tried to push his hand away. It was the guy that my mom hired to care for me while on the plane. He tried bribing me, but I still shoved him. When I got to my grandmas, everything was going fine. But after a while they started to also treat me bad, telling me how fat I was. That I was ugly ass hell. That my mom would never come. They never took me anywhere, during Halloween I was caged like an animal. Everyone was out there, happy trick or treating. While I was left alone, in a bathroom, locking myself up, begging for my mom to hurry and come save me. They always threatened me, that they would abandon me, that they will lock me up in a place for bad kids like me, they always insulted me. I was never good. My mom soon arrived but I had already suffered to much. I wanted to leave but was scared of telling her, since I thought that she would think the same thing. My grandma threatened me, to not tell her. I always tried to agree with my grandma so, she could love me, I always treated her with respect and she still mentally abused me. While all my cousins and aunt, where walking on her, she always cared for them, I told my mom not to believe them, I showed my mom everything I broke and wrote out of anger. My grandma would always tell my mom that I was a brat. My mom dumbly thinking that I was getting treated good would always buy my grandma clothes, shoes, etc. She would give my grandma money and the food stamps, so she could buy me things,mom never knew that I was starved in that house. My grandma never bought me anything everything was always "oh Anthony like this, oh bibi wants ice cream", everytime my mom would arrive from work, I would tell her im hungry only to get yelled at by my grandma saying that I was a fat piece of shit, when I didn't even eat because I was still young and didn't know how to cook so always ended up burning myself, and due to that I didn't eat, my grandma never cooked for me. Well that happened, when my mom started dating my step dad, she would always leave at six am, but came back at 7 to wake me up for school, my grandma would tell me she didn't love me anymore that she didn't care, that why she wasn't there in the mornings. I would always go to the bathroom to cry, actually believing her, thats why I didn't agree with their relationship. I was scared of not being loved. A while later we moved in with my stepdad, he was way better then I thought, he always bought me things, never did he disrespect me, he always tried looking out for me. I still didn't trust him enough tho, 1 year, then 2 years, then 3 years and so on. I started trusting him more, and we all moved to a better house. There we lasted 2 years. When I started school at berendo middle school, I started cutting, because everything that happened in my past started to affect me then, I started missing my past, I wanted to remember my childhood with my dad. I kinda lost memory of my dad, I only know him from picture. I tried to commit suicide but I at the end I was lucky enough to not die. I started getting therapy but they only checked my arms being stupid, because I kept cutting my legs, I was still suicidal, and wanted someone to love me, a relationship to be specific, I wanted to find my true love, to care for me, that when I started texting random guys, and sending them nudes. Thinking that I would be loved this way. My ex came back to me, but only wanted my nudes. But he told me so many sweet things. I believed him. Later through out the year he started texting less. Not like before school started. Everytime he would text, he just asked for nudes. Which I stupidly send. After a while I noticed he cheated on me, we broke it off, i started catching feelings for this dude. I stopped skipping school to see him. Everytime I thought about him I got goosebumps, I always got happy. I thought he had feelings for me too, since he would always try to annoy me, and he sometimes made up dumb excuses, like "hey show ur hand" I would show my and and he'd tell his friends, "see I told u" I just stood there confused but walked away, he would always call me names, teasing me, taking away my phone... I got mad that time and didn't talk to him, but later on felt bad so I texted him, telling him I was sorry that I got mad, but then in our group chat I acted like I was pissed because we weren't supposed to talk to him because of that. We where testing at that time, the sbac test. From the corner of my eyes, I saw that he took a few glances at me, he usually doesn't pay attention to me, but I was saying smth that had happened to me day before, and he was looking at me while I was talking but I acted as if I didn't care, you know how when u want to look at smth someone, u act as if ur looking forward but ur actually looking at the corner of ur eyes, well thats what he would do, I caught him a few times. I mean..... I didn't stare at him y-yall crazy.... whatever.... I asked him out, he rejected me... I never asked him out again. We just stayed as frenemies... doing the same things, annoying eachother, making fun of each other and well yeah... I kinda fell I to depression because of that.... he like my bff. She was really pretty and skinny... so I was like "of course, who wouldnt".... when 7th grade finished my mom and I decided to go back to Guatemala, since my brother had bought us a house. Thats where I am right now..... thing is, its actually been helping me, emotionally and physically.... I feel much better now, but depression is making its way back... why?? My mom.... I dislike my older sister, because im still butthurt about what she did, and she keeps hitting my dogs as if they were hers, sure they shouldn't be shitting in the house, but it pisses me off because she kicks them, and then she trying to act ass if she owns everything.... and I am just even more pissed because, my second oldest sister told me, that our dad had bought us some land and he was going to put it in our names, but she somehow managed to convince my dad not too.... and I keep telling my mom that I disagree but she doesn't care.... she keeps defending my older sister just because she did go to school and is now a teacher, knowing that I could be better then her, bc, being born in the USa gave me alot of advantages... she told me I envyed her. How can I envy her when I am just a teen?! I havent even started life and now im supposed to envy her?! Thing is.... my mom is acting as if she prefers my older sister over all of us..... getting me depressed.... making me think back to those times.... and idk what to do... I want to run away, leave her a letter telling her why I ran away..... but I don't have the courage to do so... and now.... I am starting to cut again...... idk what to do
