Oblivious

9. confrontation

The teacher droned on in front of the class, but I didn't hear a single word. My thoughts were as jumbled as ever. Not only was I debating what to say, I also wondered what was going on with my feelings. Even so, I would have to say something, eventually, because I finally had his attention.

We had plenty of issues, but it seemed as if I only saw the effects, not the real cause. I had this hunch that it all would make sense if Ayden told me the truth. It felt like I had pieces of the puzzle within my grasp but no way to fit it all together.

I wasn't listening to anything but my thoughts, so when class had been dismissed, I was politely nudged by the girl next to me. Only, she had been polite enough to wait until the entire classroom was empty. No doubt with something in mind, but I had nothing to offer. Since Ayden was nowhere in sight, I shot up from the chair to run after him. If I lost him now it was likely that he conveniently forgot that we were supposed to talk.

I made my way through the busy corridor, searching for the guy who stood a little bit taller than average. The chorus of voices around me seemed to grow louder and louder, and it just fueled my frustration. I couldn't see him.

Deciding that I had searched enough, I went into one of the restrooms. I needed a short break to collect myself and perhaps splash some water onto my face. I was starting to feel the effects of the past week and my restless night. I had no home, and as I stood in front of the long mirror, staring into my tired eyes, the realization hit me harder than when Ayden had kicked me out. I had no home.

Mom had moved across half the Pacific, living with her new husband in Hawaii. I knew I wasn't welcome there. I hadn't even visited. He was good to my mom but hated my guts, just as I hated his. They had a kid, my half-sister, but I had never met her. Mom had sent some photos, but I hadn't replied to those messages. If I pretended that she didn't exist, I imagined that I wouldn't feel so left out, or left behind.

A flush sounded from one of the stalls behind me, and I was brought back to the unappealing interior of the restroom. The door opened and through the mirror, I saw Ayden appear behind me. Our gazes met, and I could see the irritation flashing within his.

"Are we doing this now, or what?" he asked. I flinched a little at his tone but forced myself to ignore it. I needed to listen to what lay beneath his harsh words, and I needed him to hear me out.

"Might as well."

"Fine, just say what you have to say." He said it in a way that told me that he wouldn't listen, regardless of what I said. However, that was his choice, not mine.

"I don't know what's happened between the two of us, Ay. We used to be friends." I was still facing the mirror, and in one way it was easier that way. I was staring at a reflection, making it less real, less tangible. This was happening, but at the same time, I could pretend that it was only occurring in my head, where I used to have these conversations with Ayden all the time. I used to play out our arguments in vivid detail, and all of those daydreams had made me afraid of the real thing. Every one of them ended up in more arguments and no solutions.

"I'm still your friend, Cal. You're the one who backed away."

"That's bullshit."

He rolled his eyes at my comment.

"It is, Ayden. You've been acting weird for months. We never hang out like we used to. You're just deliberately getting me pissed, and I just don't know what you want from me."

"I'm the one pissing you off?" His voice was passive, but I could hear the aggression brewing. I expected this response, but that didn't make it any easier.

"Yes, you are, but obviously I'm pissing you off, too. So tell me what the fuck is wrong because I'm so tired of this shit."

His eyes narrowed, and I could feel my shoulders tensing further. I hated arguments, but this one was long overdue. We had to talk, otherwise I would lose him.

"So you packed your bags..."

"What?"

"You're such a coward, Cal, always have been. I don't know why I expected more from you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I fucking needed you, and you had packed your bags." This time, he didn't manage to hide the hurt in his voice. My shoulders slumped in defeat. We were talking about so many things at once, but at the same time, it was all woven together. I knew I should have seen the signs earlier. He was hurting; had been hurting for a long time, and I had ignored it.

"I packed my bags Wednesday night. I changed my mind but forgot to unpack them. I'm sorry, Ay."

"Sorry just doesn't cut it right now. You're not the only one who's tired of this."

"Can't you just tell me what's wrong so I can help you? I want to help, Ay. I want to be there for you, but you're just pushing me away."

"No, I'm not pushing. You've walked away on your own."

"If I have, it wasn't intentional."

"Well, intentional or not, you can't say it's my fault. I've tried, Cal. You just never listened. You only see yourself."

"You're being unfair. That night, after I dropped off your phone at the shoot, I was ready to talk, but you just flipped me off."

"Yeah, that was one time. Do you know how many times that's happened the other way around?"

I thought about it for a second. I couldn't remember. These last few months Ayden had barely said a word when both of us were alone in the apartment. I sighed and turned around, facing him.

"Well, I'm listening now." It was the only thing I could say. He might be right. Perhaps I had ignored his silent pleas, perhaps I had just seen irritation when there had been hurt.

"I already said it's too late."

"So you're just going to let us drift apart?"

"You left!"

"You locked the door behind me. Do you know how that felt? Do you know how it felt to lose the only home I've had these last few years?"

"As I said, you're a coward."

I saw something in his eyes. A challenge. I didn't know exactly what kind of challenge, but it was there, as clear as they came. With it came a small spark of hope. I knew I didn't want to lose him. I would do almost anything to get him back. He was too important to me. I didn't care that he made me confused or that he was making me feel things I had never felt before. That look ignited it again, the attraction that I had forced myself to forget.

I recalled how he'd called out my name while he slept. His voice had been soft, completely without anger. I recalled his barely there kisses the night he slept in my arms. His hatred for Jessica. Fuck, I had been so stupid. Blind.

I threw everything away, every thought, every doubt. I shoved him back against the stalls, pushing myself into his hard body, ignoring everything but him as I pressed further, took hold of his head and smashed our lips together.

I couldn't tell what was happening around us, all that mattered was my lips against his, how they molded together into something that was completely new. I forgot to breathe as I forced myself upon him, prying his lips apart to taste him. I tangled my fingers in his short hair, pressed our bodies together and almost fell apart when he moaned. That was all the encouragement I needed. I dove deeper, letting go of all the remaining restraints.

We clashed together, teeth meeting teeth, tongues battling. It was aggression. It was release. It was everything and nothing. It was frightening.

I pushed myself away, gasping for air. My eyes met his wild stare, and I could imagine I looked just the same.

My heart was beating like a hammer in my chest, and I was terrified of what this would mean.