Oblivious

Chapter 16

The smoke billowed down my lungs, creating a mist of pure perfection. It settled my thoughts and nerves, it slowed my tapping foot. I loved the feel of a cigarette between my fingers, even if I know I shouldn't.

Time was passing with each breath, but I didn't have long before I would have to enter the apartment again. The break had been useless, seeing as I didn't know more now than I had before. I was still confused and still unsure of how to proceed.

The stakes were tremendously high. If anything went wrong, we would most likely end up in a situation that was even worse than our awkward dance around each other. We could reach the end before we even got started. Then again, perhaps I wasn't strong enough to deal with the jealousy to begin with. Perhaps we were doomed from the start.

I threw my half-finished cigarette across the street, not knowing how to deal with everything.

It all came crashing down, the weight of it all landing on my shoulders like big slabs of concrete. I felt crushed. Ayden was the strong one—I wasn't. So, how was I supposed to deal with this when he was crumbling?

He was falling to pieces. I saw the fissures in his otherwise carefully molded wall that he had raised around himself.

I started pacing, walking up and down the sidewalk an kicking pebbles in front of me. It didn't work. I couldn't relax.

Early risers watched me with apparent curiosity as they walked past. Some even arching their eyebrows or shaking their heads.

Attention. I had always hated attention.

If I was serious about doing a shoot together, I would have to deal with another type of attention.

Fuck. So confusing.

I ran a hand through my hair, stopped in front of the entrance and pushed the door. Ayden didn't have the right to say no to my proposal, and I would tell him exactly that. But first I would have to talk this through with someone else. I had to be certain. The problem was that I didn't exactly have anyone to talk to.

Taking the last steps up the stairs, I decided that I would let this thought rest for the remainder of the day. Silence had to be better than all these confrontations.

Opening the door, I spotted Ayden sitting on the sofa with a glass of juice in his hands. He got up, put the glass down and took a couple of decisive steps in my direction. His hand grasped around my neck, pulling me towards him with a sense of urgency. I crashed into his still bare chest.

We kissed.

Violently.

It was a desperate and needy kiss, and I forgot everything else. Perhaps he did it to distract me, but I didn't care as his fingers tugged at my hair, moving further to explore my back before prying inside my pants to grab my ass. We pressed our crotches together and moved in a slow, frantic dance.

"I don't want to fight," Ayden whispered in between rugged breaths.

"Me neither."

He replied by intensifying the kiss. Something that I thought impossible. He pushed me into the wall, exploring my body and mouth until I was moaning loudly.

I wanted more.

Ayden's lips left mine. "I won't let you go, Cal. Not when I finally have you."

I almost couldn't breathe. It all became so real, so immediate.

* * * *

They day wore on, and I the more time I spent away from Ayden during classes, the more confused I became. I knew that I needed to be strong, but I didn't feel very strong, especially when I remembered how awful I felt while Ayden was at the studio. It would happen again and again unless we found a solution.