Oblivious

Chapter 14

I muted the sound and threw away the remote control. It was a pointless move, but I had to do something. The frustration boiling within me was too much. Watching it fly through the air, I saw how it landed and skidded over the hardwood floor, ending up under the side table next to Ayden's door.

Watching a movie had been a big mistake. I couldn't relax, I just kept on thinking about Ayden and wondering when he would come home. A strategically placed pillow lay on the table in front of me, its sole purpose to hide the small digital clock on the DVD-player. Otherwise, I would steal glances at it every few minutes, prolonging my agony.

The movie continued without sound, but even my eyes were too tired to focus on the screen. Wrapped up in a blanket, I rose from the sofa and padded over to the kitchen. The apartment wasn't cold, but apparently that didn't matter—I was still shivering. Cold tremors traveled across my skin and even with the blanket I was uncomfortable.

The fridge opened with a small squeak. It was almost empty but held a couple of beers, a coke and some vegetables that were getting too old. No one would eat those tomatoes, but I didn't bother to throw them out. Choosing between the coke and a beer, I opted for a beer even though I knew I shouldn't.

I sat on the barstool on the other side of the kitchen counter, gazing out towards the dark sky. Most of the windows in the building across were dark, so it was probably getting late. Opening the can of beer, my body relaxed at the familiar sound, as if it knew there was some kind of relief coming its way. Of course, that was also a sign that I shouldn't drink, but I was beyond caring. Tonight that was the least of my issues.

Time slipped by while I sat there, sipping the beer until the can became warm in my hand. My mind kept messing with me, letting me imagine conversations with Ayden that would never happen. I knew he wouldn't come home begging for forgiveness. Most likely we wouldn't talk at all. He'd told me to go sleep, so perhaps I should. Maybe I could pretend to be sleeping so that we wouldn't have to interact.

My thoughts started spinning again, imagining what he would say if he thought I was asleep. I threw myself off the stool, letting it land behind me in a clatter. Fuck! Why couldn't my mind shut up?

Pouring the rest of the beer down the drain, I decided that I had to go out. If not for a run, then at least a cigarette.

Still wrapped up in the blanket, I put on a pair of slippers and headed down the stairs. The old lady living in the apartment below opened her door just in time to see me pass. I chuckled when she closed it with a bang and turned the lock as if she was too scared of a young man in a blanket. That chuckle helped to relax me a little, but not enough to take away the need for a smoke.

Outside, the air was cold, but not cold enough to keep me inside. It wouldn't take long before the leaves started to fall from the trees. A few brown, dried leaves flew by settling in the corner between a trash can and the brick wall.

Fumbling to find my lighter and cigarettes, I looked up just in time to see Ayden turning around the corner and heading toward me. I kicked up a cigarette from the packet, but left it there, staring at the dark figure that I would recognize anywhere.

He didn't see me. Even if I kept staring at him, he held his gaze away as if deep in thought.

It didn't matter how much I wanted to move, or how much I wanted to clear my throat to catch his attention--I simply couldn't. Nothing worked, not a single thought or muscle obeyed my pleas.

Ayden went inside, letting the door fall closed behind him. The sound got me on my feet, and I rushed forward, set on catching up to him. Maybe I wouldn't know what to say, but I had to do something, say something.